Creationists say, of history and geologists, don't make a monkey out of me,

Hillforts were a good name, as somebody likely thought of them on a hill, most probably, when seeing these structures, so they were hill thoughts,.......

The Aral Sea used to be a bigger sea, so, long time no sea, That is the best joke about the Aral Sea, I have ever heard or said,

In the story of the Minotaur, Theseus killed the Minotaur with his bare hands, his club, or a sword. Then the Athenians were able to escape, on the way out maybe Homer was saying as a joke, well that was A Mazing, because they were trapped in a giant maze. 

People say that in 1912 when Oates, left the igloo, on Scott of the Antartic's trip, saying I may be some time, he was making a act of sacrifice, maybe he had just found a winning National Lottery Ticket, and wanted all the money for himself, so got a get away.

Which era was the most friendly, the Pally olithic

Which era did people sunbathe the most, the Bronzed Age

A book 100 things to do with tuna, I dredge to think what is written in that book,

Just imagine a evil right wing military dictatorship captured a talk show host and tried to interogate him. In the end by his wordy skills, he would turn the table, and it would be, the interogater saying he grew up in blah blah, and said he want to torture school, and murder college, then blah blah, then he would leave, and the interviewer could escape,

I thought of this one, What would Arthur Conan Doyle's huge wind machine, that blew air at him say, I am a great big fan of yours.

Which writer would be a great Snooker player, Beatrix Potter,

What about how France's 1980s President Francois Mitterand, had metre in his name and was ruler of France, his first name sounds like France, his second like a ruler, or line gauge.

So Angela Merkel is pronounced Angular Merkel in English the German chancellor of the 2010s, well maybe seeing she had the words angular, maybe instead of being classed as ruler she should have been classed as a protractor. You know the thing you use to measure angles. You know as rulers are a piece of equipment as well.

Why do people call it a stationery cupboard, surely there are no moving ones.

I said I know him like the back of my hand, then I looked on the back of my hand, and my face dropped as white as a iceberg, I had never seen that tattoo, of the Mary Cileste on it before, Ha ha I do not really have any tattoos on it,


When I was at school, my English class teacher always used to insult my grammar, I said you never even met her, (grandma)

To make ends work, he said my work he said some of my work was super silly ass and full of oxymoron remarks, turned out he meant supersilious and oxymoron meant a different thing,

Which card hand is healthiest, 2 pears,

What is a fast car drivers favourite food, lamb burger ini, 

What is a opera singer's favourite pasta, Rigatoni, 

I was asked if I wanted rolls or sandwiches,  at lunch, for the trip north, I said, I only have a Citroen and that shall do me, (Instead of Rolls Royce cars) 

You know driving in France in insane. All of those drivers drive on the wrong side of the road and beep their horn at me and swear at me.

Why do Americans always wear a t-shirt. Because they have right to bear arms.

Who would be the referee of a tennis match in much of Italy, and part of Gaul and Iberia in 50 BC, a Roman Umpire

Stanislaus of Szczepanów, St. Stanislaw was born at 10.30, that is 1030 AD not 10.30 AM

Which barbarian, down with their raids of course, would be good at telling jokes, I tell you the hun, Atilla the Hun, as that is what he would say before his jokes,

People said to Caesar after he had been brutally dealt with to borrow a gangster phrase, by Brutus, but Caesar did you ever suspect people were plotting against you, when they were inviting everybody except you to meetings, he could have said, he thought they were planning a suprise birthday party,

People in the 1980s called tourist, holiday makers, but really they dont make the holidays, its the hotelliers, and things like that. 

Just imagine you were at the Spartan battle, where the Persians beat many times less Spartans, one time, in the modern era that would be like driving your car, and beeping at somebody who overtakes you in a dangerous way, and seeing there were loads of people in the car,

In a way you could say the Persians won, as the victory is what counts and that is all that matters, but really the Spartans won really, in terms of a moral victory,

The Spartans army was looking a bit Spartan after that battle where it fought the Persians, in the movie,

What does Jeeves say when he is cleaning up a mess Worcester's dog has left, Urine my lord, 

So Tolkein, was feeling unhappy, thinking up a new story, people could say to him, at least you have your elf,

I give my award of wittiest guys in history,  to Mark Twain, and P G Woodhouse, you have to have been alive before WW2 to qualify, likely Groucho Marx, as well, modern contenders include Stephen Colbert, Robin Williams, Billy Connolly, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, and Steve Martin, and Monty Python, 

As Columbus discovered America he could have played loads of games not known about in the Americas yet and been declared the best in the Americas at them

A good name for a sock puppet would be a Socrates

In the 1640s Civil war in Britain both the King, and Cromwell,  claimed God was supporting them, surely this was like using drugs in sports, and they should have all been disqualified, and the republic should have been led by the Levellers instead,

Which empire should have invented pens, the Inker Empire, Inca Empire,

After all they would write with them with their Andes,

I read that Rasputin, was poisoned shot, felled, and drowned, in the assasination of him, it was not his day,

When in the Biblical era Holy Land, if a Philistine says your great work of art you bought for loads of money, is rubbish, all you can say is he is a philistine, and this would not be a good retort, as he would just say, yes, whats that got to do with anything, asimilar things could be sai for the Vandals, and Goths. 

Should they return the Pyramids to the Faeroe Islands,

And the asparaguses which hold the pharoehs in them

How about a very confusing quiz on the USA, where the answer for the capital of the USA is New York, and Canada, is another state of the union, in a satire of people who do not know much about geography, yes I know it is Washington, and Canada is a country,

Think of this there was the stone age, the iron age and the Steel age, what came before all these, well I hear it was a age, when they had something even weaker than stone the pleistocene, or plastercene or something, yes just all that playdo, just imagine trying to attack a T Rex for your supper, with a lump of plaster cene like that,

I see that in the year 216 BC, there was the battle of cannae where the romans lost to Hannibal, its amazing they didn't just surrender after all there is the saying if you cannae beat them join them,

Here is my comedy inaccurate quiz, question (a), PM of the UK Winston Churchill 1940 to 45 had the same date of birth and birth place as 1950s UK PM, Sir Winston Churchill, and the same face, and life story, true or false, ok, that is a joke, as I am pretending I do not realise they are the same person, OK a other joke, Which song did Henry VIII supposedly write, in legend, OK you are supposed to say Green sleeves, but I say as a joke, "I'm Henry the 8thI am", just as a joke, and then another joke, did you know Winnie the Pooh, and Henry the 7th had the same middle name, The, 

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Also, isnt it great Alfred the Great, Peter the Great and Alexander the Great all had the same middle and surname. What a coincidink, well I suppose that was a case of a name really making you cut out for greatness. No wonder their relatives Alfred the not that great, Peter the not all that good, and Alexander the not quite has it, did not do so well. And what a dissapointment they would have been if they had not achieved what they did. Nominative determinism, was not all that good a thing with Ivan the Terrible though, if only he had been named Ivan the nice guy. then he would maybe have been nicer.

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Maybe Gandhi never had a independance war as they did not want to make a tounge twister like, the Indian war of independance,

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Anyway and what about Augustus that Roman Emperor, so when coming into a party, he may have been announced as, Caesar Augustus, Roman Emperor, Imperator, Pharoah of Egypt, Pontifex Maximus, Victor over Anthony and Cleopatra, Son of Caesar, and Sole ruler of Rome, - or Oggsy to his friends, A similar joke could be done ffor Ramses of Egypr I am sure.

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Did you hear she  is going to a state west of Canada, which one, Al Ask her,

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What about a place on the east of the North Sea,

Noh rway,

Why not, it is a nice place,

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Canada and Iceland, what is it with North Atlantic countries being good types of cans and ice for storing food,

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What is the tastiest Football game, Chilie V Turkey

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Also that Zapatero, the 2000s, PM of Spain, and Michael Schumacher,

the 1990s German F1 champ, both names mean Shoe maker.

OK here is the selection for the animals world cup entry for the Fifa World cup, 
1 Goalkeeper, Octopus, he's got 4 pairs of hands to save the ball. 
2 and 3 left and right backs, a Antelope, and a gazelle, good pace to launch attacks up the wing, but also strong players for defence,
4  and 5, centre backs, giraffe, and dolphin, both good at heading ball, dolphin's cleverness makes him read the game well, 
6 and 7, central midfield, elephant and bird of paradise, elephant is a bit of a bruiser in midfield controlling the territory, but bird of paradise makes some wonderful moves a midfield maestro, 
8 and 9, wingers, peregrine falcon, very good and fast on the wing, and a cross between a Arab Stallion and a American mustang as they are such good crosses, 
10 and 11
In attack we have here Cheetah and Rhino, now nobody is going to challenge rhino for a header, but also Cheetah and his pace, and his box of shifty tricks make him a star player, same old Cheetah always cheating, thats a chant that does not bother him, as he wins, though the ret of the team are more upstanding and not bookable, yes because people should always play fair and animals as well., as nice guys do win, no doubt about it, proven by history in fact, 
Subs bench 
A blue whale as goalkeeper there, (Just sit him in front of the goal, though Fifa have banned this), 
So walrus is used instead, 
Striker a killer whale very very clinical, 
Also a Seal, very good at heading but has big disagreements with killer whale, for some reason, so don't sit them beside eachother, 

Plus a rabbit, as they are quite pacey,         and quite clever little creatures in a lot of folklores and such, 
Midfielder, Chameleon, expert at switching play, and changing colour so not being noticed if offside, and even to the other team's colours for a short while. to get their passes, 
Donkey, he does the carrying,
Camel, similar
Defenders, Red deer and mountain goat, Wildebeest and a horned Bull (Sadly the ball sometimes bursts on his head), 
Surprise inclusion, Moley as a striker, as he appears up from the ground, to score, 

One more, a cat and a dog, just as people like them so much dont theys, 
Manager a Brown owl, and coaching adviser, the red fox former great striker, very clever, strategically, 

One idea, is they have trained a bird of prey to fly above the stadium, and knock the ball to the goal, when it is in the air towards the goal, , 

Back to the one liners, or puns, and other types of joke, though the first is a tiny bit controversial I am very very very sorry to say, as I like my readers to be happy, 

, 
Which birds would be most likely to be a Communist 1930s Leader of a huge country, Starlings.

So people might wonder, how difficult it was for Magellan to get a crew that would willingly sail around the world past sea monsters, and dangerous known beasts and even nations and peoples. Maybe when he was negotiating with the crew about it, they said, well maybe, and he said, well lets come to a agreement I say we go the whole way round the world, you say, maybe just a little bit, what about we say we just go half way, then come back, and from there a deal was made. 

I was in a museum, and the huge bone was in a glass case, I said, what is it, the curator said it was a mammoth bone, I said, I can see it is big, but what is it of,
 

So anyway about that Maglellan joke, once they got half way round they just went the whole way round from the other side. 

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So a joke for the future, for people who have just won a football match via their rocket boosters on their feet, after winning the world cup the fellow says, I am just trying to keep my feet on the ground, I am just trying to keep my feet on the ground, the interviewer says, oh come on calm down, then the guy takes off, I told you, he lands 20 metres away.

That French fellow "Cyrano de Bergerac" must have feared King Louis XIII and Cardinal Richelieu, after all they did persecute many Hugenouts, huge noses. people, by the way he was a guy in a film with a very long Pinnochio nose, that is what I am trying to say in that jokes, and do a play on words,

So not that many years ago, I think it was the 2000s, a major space body declared Pluto not a planet, They went into a big reasoning why, which is helpful, as it is a reflief they did not feel it was self-EX-PLANETry, 

People wonder who killed JFK, well once you have removed all the possible people that could have been the villains, then the only remaining option no matter how ridiculous must be the answer. So it was a hippo wearing a doctor's mask, in the study, with a candle stick,

So many ghosts are from the past, what if they had a tooth ache, I suppose they could use a transen dental expert,

That manager who won the league, I wonder if he used the same technique I use in Championship Manager, turn it on and off, so I win every game and win every trophy 100 years in a row

What is the fastest animal in Italy, a Lamb borgini, 

If black death starts again, I think I will get some tooth paste, after all it does say it stops tooth decay, cavities and plague. I know it does not really I was just joking, as it really means plaque. 

I loved that Daniel Day Lewis enactment of Abraham Lincoln, what a actor, he really deserved a Oscar for that, it really taught me a also about history, and how he also was a vampire slayer. Anyway, I am only joking there again, the joke there is I am getting confused by 2 movies made about the same year, early this 21st century, the Daniel Day Lewis, one which won him an Oscar and was about the emancipation proclamation, and was a deep and serious attempt at the truth,. I am pretending to confuse it with that spoof straight faced movie where he is portrayed as a vampire slayer, which of course was a fictional bit. So that is the joke there, I know they are different movies, the Day Lewis one was true, and the vampire one was a fiction. 

What about God recieving all these presents at Harvest Time, doesn't he say, I already have a tin of sweetcorn, I already have a tin of Plum tomatoes, of course I do I am everywhere, blah blah. Especially as some of you are giving me the things in the main you don't want, well maybe not, maybe he is grateful, as it is the thought that counts, and why on earth want a out of date tin of beans,

What about in JFK when they have a triangulated attack on JFK as a conspiracy theory, just imagine they lined so they all accidently missed and hit eachother,

Here is something that in a way is ironic, the tyranical French king who ruled in the 1790s, when he tried to flee, he was recognised as his face was on the coins, so people recognised him, in a way it may seem sick, but how ironic,

In a sense he was in more trouble than a onion near a French man's soup

Just imagine passing a car in the 1980s that had the first baby on board bumper sticker, and in it was a man with a dummy in his mouth driving

Why are American coal miners from West Viriginia  the most tea total people in their country, as minors are not around to drink there, (They use the term minors for under 18s there, I think)

Just think what it is like to see a new animal you have never seen, and just imagine it was a small monkey that stole your bag, and ran away and ran about you, that sort of thing has happened in history,

Maybe when cricket was invented people used to say did you see the cricket and people would say oh it is on the fence, and now they say it about the insect and people say oh yes, they won by 8 wickets

What about when cars were invented there are tyres so tired, and exhausts so exhausted, so people have brakes, and chairs to rest after that, plus a head rest, and it can be a real wrench to use a car jack, which is also called a car wrench,   

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I saw a few male ducks at the duck pond, around a female duck, I suppose it was like waterbird version of when Marilyn Monroe, in her Diamonds are a girl's best friend video, when she is surrounded by many adoring male chasers. 

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In 1802 Britain recognised the French Republic, maybe beforehand, it has been calling it Brian. 

I said it would be good if I taught Latin at this night school, as I do not even know the word for failure in Latin, I was doing well in the interview, but then I said and also any other word in Latin,

I heard somebody who had a long name he said it was bravo bravo oscar and loads more it turned out he was just spelling phoneticly

What about in those movies when they have 2 seconds left then the bomb is turned off, well just imagine they did it 2 hours before, in a 1 and a half hour movie that would make the movie starting after what the movie was supposed to be about. They would have to sit around doing nothing for 1 and a HALF HOURS, just people twiddling their thumbs and whistling, saying things like, I wish we had started this movie earlier, just imagine how angry the audience would be that the director had made such a foolish mistake, of starting the movie after the major event in the movie had occurred, that would be so annoying, I would want my money back, Maybe this is what happened in many art movies, which many people claim they do not understand

Also when you see a long droning speech at a major televised  event, Maybe unbenownst to you, and all us viewers, what is really going on is behind the scenes, A action hero is defeating a super villain in a exciting duel. In reality I normally think some long droning speeches have something to say, and listen for interesting things, 

Wouldn't it have been better if that terrible tyrant Ghenghis Khan was called Ghenghis Can Not, then he may not have gone around killing millions of people.

Immanuel Kant was a famous philosopher and ethics guy, which makes sense, for a guy saying can't do this, cant do that etc, I am not a expert on that subject there was more to him than that of course, 

I think this joke has been used before but l also thought of it like others did, it is interesting Milton Keynes the new town, was the same name, as John Maynard Keynes, and Milton Friedman two of the most important economists of the century it was founded, 

What about Clay Bertrand in the Film JFK, well after this film his name was a kind of like a mud,

When ever I send a lettuce (letters a pun) through the post I always remember to send it wrapped in some celery and add a note, saying yours in celery (pun on sincerely), and grapefuitally recieved, and say saladly I could not send it earlier., 

What will You Tube seem like in the future, most of the comment sections will seem like all the watchers were drunk, it's either people who are flying hatred at each other, people misinterpreting words and starting a argument, or people starting a argument for the sake of it, or people saying this is the greatest song ever, I love this, Yes they might,

What about people in the Hurdles finals, they have done it 1000s of times, then there is always one runner who falls over, what do they say Oh just a little bit more practice, seriously though people, I am only joking, they are very good at what they do,

What about that comedian who used to give a taxi driver a tip of a tea bag as he was so mean, well that means if you were a mean tipper and only gave a penny, you could look with honest horror as this man gave such a small tip,

What about Greenwich mean time, GMT, maybe if the term was created in 1980s New York Harlem, it would be Greenwich Badd Time,

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Caesar said, no man is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected, that is like the time I saw a spider, and yelped in front of everybody, 

Just imagine after Noah was asked to make a Ark, God the day before he planned his flood, then came along in the sky looking at him from above thinking everything was going to plan, then he looks down, and all Noah has done is buy a small rubber dinghie, and it's burst too, and Noah's just lying on his settee eating crisps, saying, I thought thats all you wanted,

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So Alcatraz, was the most difficult prison to escape from, just imagine the only escape ever to succeed from it was 2 criminals playing the Abbott and Costello trick, of pat a cake pata cake, then the guards look on dumbfounded and they then do what they used to do to the guards, then get past to the next guards, and that is how they escaped, 

Comedy Quiz (All the answers are wrong)
1 Which 2 UK 20th Century Pms had the same name, 
2 Where are the Faeroes, 
3 Which city in Yorkshire is the inspiration for the capital city of the USA. 
4 Which countries are furthest from eachother in the world, 

5 What do Toni, Margerine, Dafid, Harrold, and Neal,, and Eoin, have in common in UK politics,

6 What colour pens did I use to write this question

(A) Blue or red

(B) Yellow

(C) My favourite sandwich is tuna and coleslaw,

(d)  U2 are a great band

(E) None of the above

(F) I dont know

(G) All of the above

(H) Pass

(I) Abstain

(J) Not sure

(K) Blue, or red

(L)  bLUE OR yellow

(A Celtic alphabet letter)  Between 3 and 9 cups a day

(A Egypian hyroglyph) )

(O) I think the green carpet goes well with a blue curtain)

Another (K) The Leaning tower of Pisa,

7 What are the only band to have had a whole continent named after them.

8 What are the other band,

9 What continent is also the name completely unrealatedly, of a Toto song.

10 2 of New Zealand's most famous bands of the 1980s, both had singers called Neil Finn, who looked the same, what were their names, 

11 Which 4 countries ending with ia are the largest countries area. 

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1 Winston Churchill in the 1940s, and Sir Winston Churchill in the 1950s (Really it was just as he was knighted)
2 Near Egypt, (Really they are in the Atlantic)
4 York, (Actually that is a joke,  Washington DC is the capitol) 
3 Alaska, and New Zealand, (This is true if you look at a UK map Mercator of the world, though it is wrong as the earth is not flat and Alaska is not a country). 

5 They were all post war UK part leader's first names. (The joke is they are miss pelt versions of the names as in Toni Blair, Marjarine Thatcher, Dafid Cameron, Neal Kinock, and Eoin Duncan Smith) 

6 The answer was a black pen , actually I cant remember,

7 Europe, (A joke on the 1980s Swedish band).

8 Asia,

9 Africa,

10 Crowded House, and Split Enz, 

11 Russia, Americia, Chinia, and Canadia, actually also Indonesia, Brazila, Australia, Argentinia Antartcia, India, Algeria and Kazakhstania, 

Interesting Movie Fact:

Almost NONE of the sheep in BBC Classic comedy series Last of the Summer Wine, and ITV soap opera Emmerdale, were professional actors, same is also true of All Creatures Great and small, the classic BBC series, either of the 1980s or 2020.

Just imagine a History lecturer said we have to remember that people from the stone age era are far more like us than people imagine. Then the TV showed him, and he was holding a big stick, and going ugh ugh with fur things on,

Somebody could walk into a old art gallery, and say I forged them all,

What is a Mathematicians fave food, apple 3.142 , 

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In Portuguese it may be 3.142 de Maca, but then again no as pie is probably not the same in Portuguese, pie is torta for the food in Portuguese,

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Same for Welsh, afal 3.142, it would not be the same in Welsh, Pie is pastai for the food in Welsh

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What about where I walk past a pub that says Football Live here, advertising , how there is a game on, well after a while I settle in for a sleep, I did not realise they meant live as in live on TV, I thought they meant I could live there,

What is the point in having 3rd party insurance, what are the likelyhoods, of Ross Perot or Ralph Nader scratching my car, or the Liberal Democrats, 
 

This joke unlike the others, should be said in the tone of a 1990s American style stand up comedian, Hey have you seen the Football international draws, Australia, in the Asian football federation, Kazakhstan, Israel and Turkey in the European, and San Marino play Russia in a 11 v 11 football game, what is this a football competition, or a bad geography quiz, OK, so first of all I apologise for that joke, to the football federations, for making such sensible judgements in allowing these teams in these groups, and understand the complex political, social and footballing reasons why these lands are in those groups, so I apologise, it was just a joke, 

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Also I saw on a TV programme, that a certain general was the most decorated soldier in the countries history, that was until General Christmas Tree, appeared on the scene, also I apologise to the brave soldiers who win those medals, I mean no disrespect, and as Americans say, honour their service, most of the time, 

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So a guy said he was appointed chair of the board, I said, whose sitting on you.

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So anyway, this is my message to the names of countries like Sri Lanka, and Ethiopia that changed their names, in the 20th Century, So I am, (Siam - Thailand) Sayin (Saigon - Ho Chi Minh City), Abyssinia, (I'll be seen ya) and so long (Ceylon), former (The first bit of the old names of the Former territory of Macedonia, before it became North Macedonia) names of countries.

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What about in a 1800s based time travel episode they could say man travel faster than the horse, why that is impossible, that is as likely as man flying to the Moon by 1970

Interesting fact this fact is true by the way, a lot of SQL servers, including a spreadsheets I was working on, start their date as 1 1 1753. as the UK parliament adopted the Gregorian calendar in 1752. This means that Highlander, Connor MacLeod, who was born 1518, would have a different birthday in the 1980s, to the one he was born on.  

What place in Surrey is hardest working, woking, its always woking,

What about Quentin Matsys's painting, the Ugly Duchess, maybe that was the first passport photograph

What if he had really annoyed her by then painting a self portrait and it was the spitting image of Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise,

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The worst restaurant I ever went to was the one ran by Charlie Chaplin As he made us eat leather boots.

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So in chess, Gary Kasparov lost to deep blue, the IBM computer in the 1990s, he could take it a bit, but what really annoyed him was how deep blue referred to the pieces as the horseys and the prawns. 

I was signed up for a scrabble competition, I was in the traffic jam outside, a big sign said, Qs likely,  

People say Real Madrid have won the most European Cups to 2020, but what about Imaginery Madrid, they have won 100s, well in their imagination,

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And what about Real Mallorca's rivals, Mythical Atlantis, well they are both Mediteranean islands I think. 

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So Arbroath once beat Bon Accord 36 0 in a Scottish Cup match, maybe for the job interview the Bon Accord manager was saying I am so good I do not know the meaning of the word defeat, then at the end he said, oh yes now I realise, its that, 

In George Orwell's animal farm, maybe Napoleon's media boss should have been a goose, then he could be a propa ganda,

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Just imagine a Australian nut producer was unveiled as the head of a Oxford college, and they said, here from Australia and it's many great colleges, is a great figure from the Australia world of academia, he is a great figure renowned there, much celebrated, and he embarressed came onto the stage, and said, I am very sorry, my cv actually says, the world of macademia,

What about those books, which have very long amounts saying what not to do, the do's and the sometimes pointlessly obvious dont's, maybe the guys in the movie halloween, and the Shining, had got the do and dont's mixed up,

So this guy was told by his wife he looked like a Greek God, Homer, OK, Ok, Homer was not a god, he was a writer, but also I am saying like someone from, gods stories, and actually they mean Homer Simpson, maybe that joke would be better if I said, like the name of a character from stories of Greek Gods, and then said, oh I meant Homer Simpson,      

OK, and what about when people shout Four, at golf games, when they see the ball and fear it could hit someone, well that is a name of a greatly celebrated Norse God, Thor, I looked up Norse gods, on Wikipedia, and another is called Odin, maybe they could shout that instead, 

Why did the bird watcher go wack wack, to the ducks, in the past as he heard they hated ques

They are thinking of merging Denbighshire and Conwy County in North Wales, as part of county cutting costs ways, they could call it Denbigger Shire. 

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Bedfordshire, should have a advert, saying Bed fordshire, the land of hotels, 

Also in North East Wales, there is a place called Deeside, as it is by the River Dee, maybe they could call it Decide on Deeside, for attracting business. 

What would Frank Sinatra use to pack his grammer phones, bubble wrap, after Michael Bubble, or Michael Bubble Wrap,

Alfred Mossman Landon won only Vermont and Maine as a Republican candidate in the 1936 US presidential election, maybe the day before the election, when his advisors started fearing a defeat, he said, I don't know what your worrying about, I've visited all 2 states of the union, (There are fifty)

What football team, from Bavaria do people at the end of the yellow brick road support, Bayern Munchkins, 

What do you call a 18th Century, 1990s style boyband, Bachstreet Boys. (You know there was a band the Back Street Boys in the 1990s) 

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What about the time as a adult, w were going to a football tournament, and it was being held at the playing fields, by a plush new playground and one of the guys said, is it near the new playground, as in where directions, so as a planned joke, I said, no come on you can go on the playground after the match, as a zinger, we do banter as you know a adult would not want to do that, 

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Another time, someone came into the building, for a planned meeting  and shouted where are the ladies, I showed them that the ladies were sitting over here, they then said where are the ladies, I said oh over here, they meant a euphamism, for ladies toilet, which is why they sounded so loud, and aggrivated, 

Who was the funniest ever man from outer space, Steve Martian

So 2 jokes inspired by that Robin Williams joke about mind readers, 

So here is a joke for any Martians reading this 

///////-^ ooo {"""%^) ////<><><><><> Lol

And now for any people living in those lands below the earth. Like Troglygites and such, 

ahgdsgsadhgsad fsalkjfddslkfds ajhsdgsajdgsajhdsakdkjsadsasadsda sadsadsajhsajd saasujdsakjdsakjdsakj

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That was that then, hopefully that does  not mean anything in any language really. Really I just did a joke piano  player style random letters on the keyboard 

I could make this into t a joke claiming that a Martian sent a complaint saying dont insult my wife, like that, and then pretend my attempt at a apology in Martian, ///???/// insulted their national head of state, and his wife, and mother and father, so caused a Martian ambassador to visit Earth to demand a apology, but maybe that is too far out, actually it was Venusian one. no sorry I am joking there, so I made all that up including the language. Ok that did happen, no it didnt I made that up as well. 

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True story, In French colonial Hanoi, a project paid people for rat pelts handed in, a scheme intended to exterminate rats. Instead, it led to farming of rats.


What did the last person who ate dodo have said to him by the chef, do you like your meat rare, or well done, whatever the guy says, well it's none of those, it's extinct. anyway long live the WWF. 


True story. Nineteenth century palaeontologists going to China paid peasants for each piece of dinosaur bone they produced. They later discovered peasants dug up bones and then smashed them into pieces to maximise payments.

People say physicists are clever, yes well yes, surely they are the cleverest, but what about what I heard, that when they did the first atomic bomb, in Los Alamos the South West USA, in the 1940s, they were taking bets on the possibility of the world ending. Who was betting on the world ending, and what was he going to do with the money

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Wayne's World comedian Dana Carvey's brother invented a device that made himself very wealthy, the first wire tapped video toaster, which worked with 1980s Amiga computers. I was disappointed to find this was to do with video making, not a device that made toast, otherwise my idea of a washing machine fridge would have been a good idea after all. I mean I was thinking maybe it teamed up with his amiga computer to make toast or a video recorder, you know instead of putting a video cassette in the machine you put in bread, and a few minutes later out pops a delicous slice for your toast with jam, but no it did not, indeed that would be unsafe and dangerous., so only use items the way they are supposed to be used, safety first I say, never put bread in a video recorder it would be dangerous potentially disastrous, 

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People say that being ahead of your time, is bad, but what about being behind it. I thought of John Lennon's Imagine song only 20 years after he did, and what about all the other Beatles songs, and all other songs I have heard, like the Rolling Stones ones, which I also thought of recently, after I heard them.

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One time I said to a guy who was from Italy, I had been to Rome, and he then said, where, as in being specific  to which part of Rome, so as a joke I said, it's in Italy. That was a good one I think, really playing, as if he did not know. 

This is not a joke, more a fine fact, What about France, Nancy, Paris, La Rochelle, Lorraine, Brittany, thats 5 women's names for places, and of course, Frances, and Francesca, and then Lens and Lyon, as 2  men's names,  and kind of Normandy, and Anne Dorra on its border with Spain, That is kind of a joke fact, so can be included as part of the jokes, 

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Here is one about places in the North West of England,

Eric Morecambe, (Not to be confused with Ennico Morricone) Comedian, Howard Kendall, Football Manager, George Formby, Comedian,  Preston Singer, Leigh Francis, Comedian, Chester Arthur, USA President,  Christopher Eccleston, Actor, Lord Melchett, TV Character, Arthur Wolseley (Ventriloquist). Bing Crosby, Singer, Belinda Carlisle, Singer, Tommy Fleetwood, Golfer,  Blackrod, Job title in House of Commons, Victoria Pendleton, Cyclist, Rower, Adam Buxton, Comedian, Olivia Wilmslow, Fictional Character, Humphrey Appleby, TV Character, Mark Radcliffe, Radio Presenter, Burt Lancaster, Actor, Lord Nelson, Naval Commander, national icon, Matlock, Tv Character, Luke Shaw, Footballer, Kate Middleton, British Royal, St Helen add a S, a Saint of Constantinople. William Westmoreland (Us General) Richard Cumberland (17th Century philosopher),  Sarah Lancashire, actress, Lorraine Cheshire, actress, Devon Manchester, hockey player, and Melissa Manchester, comedian, Anthony Eden  UK PM, Jack Dee, Comedian, Victoria Derbyshire News presenter, Iris Law, Model, (Irish sea) Trent Reznor, (Singer) , Stafford Cripps (Politician) Everton Fox the UK 2021 weatherman, and Everton Soares the footballer, and Manchester's  Derbyshire, Miss Marple, TV Character,and David Mellor, Amber in Derbyshire, The Chesterfields pop band, and your relative Mam Tor, And Jimmy Tarbuck, Then Dr Carlisle Cullen  of Twilight, Thomas Carlyle, writer, and Robert Carlyle, actor, 

Also again for North West England, 
John Prescot (Politician, 1 more T really) Pudsey the bear, Children in need mascot, plus Jimmy Clitheroe, Comedian, and Micheal Bolton, Singer, John Bolton, US cabinet member, there are also lots of people with surnames Whitefield, Telford, Eccles, Darlington like Christy Darlington, Blackburn, Whalley, Southwhaite, lots of Pendle names, and even Penrith and "Hale and Pace", and more, for so me of the places many would put them in the Midlands, but they are north Midlands places, lots of folk have the surname England or Britain or Britton, or names like Brazil, and what about the less likable characters Jekyl and Hyde, but I am sure Hyde is a nice town, and Isaac Newton, It must be a convention, that common in some areas, is even commoner here for surname creator.  Benedict Comberbatch (Near Cheshire), Isobel Pooley Bridge, Cumbria, High Jump, Dame Emma Kirkby Lonsdale/ Thore/ and no suffix, for North Yorkshire, (Soprano) Cumbria, 

Dick Cheney, its in Shropshire, And Frank Stapleton in North Herefordshire, 
Frederick Kelsall Rugby League 20th Century 

And to cap it all, in 2022, Liverpool has its mayor, as a Mayor Rotherham, so yes from just outside the North West, but they just can not avoid putting place names as in charge. 

And for North Wales, just outside North West England, and strongly linked, Conway (Conwy is the normal spelling for the town and council now) Twitty from Family Guy's 1970s things, and Jeff Buckley,

Plus the Isle of Man, which links in with the region strongly, Douglas Adams, and Gordon Ramsey.  and John Peel, And just over the border in Scotland, but linked to Cumbria, Jonny Dumfries the Marquis of Bute, and motor racing driver, George Galloway Politician,  and Denzel Dumfries of the Dutch team, and Ian Hislop, a small community in the borders Franklin Langham, and Andrew Selkirk, plus lots of people with the surname Moffat. like Steven and Scarlett and Laura, plus Kofi Annan. and over near North West Englands, in Yorkshire is Rod Hull, Beverley Cracknell, Neil Doncaster, Mr Sheffield, Yorkshire Dales Winton, Angela Rippon, Dorothy Bradford, painter, Caitlin Thwaites netball, and pre 1930s Scottish football Hugh Richmond, 

Plus back in North West England Charles Darwen (Miss spelling) Scientist, Mark Bowland  Singer, there is a forest there, I do not think many places have this many such names, though there is Abe Lincoln, and George Washington, in Eastern England, Joe Cornish for Cornwall, Trent Arnold, and Jimmy Wales, Mr Welsh  and of course Scotland is a name of some, so that is fin, the End of that remarkable fact for me. Plus borroughs of London get a lot, but they are often people star names. 

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John Arbuthnot, North East Scotia

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And lastly David Mellor Hillfort, Politician, its a hillfort, in North West England. 

Which places are the most hirsute type manly (not that men without much hair are not just as manly, as those of us with it, or without it) in Britain, Manchest hair, and Chest hair, 

What do you call a Cornish rap artist, a Gingsters wrapper, (This is as Gingsters make a lot of Cornish pasties) in the 2010s anyhow

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What do you call a rap fan in a sweetie shop a M & Ms fan, like after Eminem, 

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Another riddle, what am I codedly referring when I say, Freddie, Bruno, Duran Duran, Bananarama, Train, Gustav Holst, Foals, Simon Rattle, and Walt Disney, The 9 planets, as in Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, Duran Duran's Planet Earth, Gustav Holst and Simon Rattle's Saturn and Uranus, Train's Jupiter, and Disney's Pluto. And Banarama, and Venus. 

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Why did Euro Disney not get placed in Scotland, as it disnae win against Paris,

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What nationality are best for making sure antiques are gleaming French-Polishers, 

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Why did the 1950s Nato West German footballer who arrived on a submarine, but only 1, not 2, as he was asked to bring,  have to miss the football match, as he forgot his Das Boot, (It means submarine) 

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And what about the world subuteo championships, in the middle of the game, a giant dog runs on the pitch and runs away with one of the players in its mouth, when recovered it is not so attached to the base. (Subuteo is a game you play on the floor and dogs worry you as they want what we are flicking) 

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What about a comedy character, a robot who eats books, and loves rare books, 

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When jockeys and equestrian riders, are being interviewed after winning a event,  if Mr Ed was the horse in question, he could say, why are you giving him a medal, I did all the work. which is unfair as the jockeys and equestrian riders are doing well. *Mr Ed was a fictional talking horse in the 1960s, in a funny TV comedy, or 1950s, 

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Why are zebras not just regarded as horses, maybe there was a referendum, and the farmers asked horses if zebras were also horses, and the horses said neigh. 

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3 BEAR Jokes, 

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First of all, 

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What about a advert where the song bare neccessities is on, and the humans in bear costumes, are all doing things that utterly are not that, such as driving a ferrari, drinking champagne, buying a expensive piece of clothing, holidaying in a expensive villa and such and such, 

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Next what about when you live in a land like that, or maybe Rupert the Bear's land. And you are driving and your satnav says, bare left to say turn left, and Rupert sitting next to you, says, well what a clever machine to know I am here, and also you are on the phone, and are about to get bear, and say bear with me, and the person thinks this is more waiting time, when actually it is as bear is with you. He says, how long do I have to wait you say, no bear is here, 

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Also which animal has 13 ears, a Bear, I mean if you fit a 1 and 3 it looks like B

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Also which money total is the most olhar, as the Portuguese say, or one you most look at, 100k, 

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So 2 times elected to office, President Ronald Reagan is a hero to most American conservatives, so I do not want to be offensive to anybody I try to be non political here, for people who are fans of him, and people who were not fans at all of him, I hope leftists liberals, and rightists can read my website happily, but I always thought it was interesting, that his name is Reagan sounds like Ray Gun, and he was so associated to the anti missile laser weapons, that could be called a Ray Gun, in a way, I think they called it Star Wars,  as I say I hope socialists, liberals conservatives, non political, anarchist, and all types can enjoy my website, that is not a political attack or defence of star wars as a concept I have no view on it,  and it is not a attack or defence of Reagan, 

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This is now a tounge in cheek joke, 

I really thought that Daniel Day Lewis, deserved a Oscar for his performance in Lincoln, so a amazing especially the way he was doing all the stunts in beating back those vampires, That joke needs explanation, it is a play on how when he did that 2012 movie, there was also a movie called Abraham Lincoln Vampire slayer out, which did not star him,

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Interesting riddle fact, in 1972, General Westmoreland  a US Vietnam war general retired, and the county of Westmoreland in Cumbria was abolished the same year, well merged into Cumbria for 1974. 

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Here is my comedy riddle,

I am the riddle king yeeh heeh heeh, riddle me yeeah riddle me o, can you guess this impossible riddle to enter the secret passage or the next line on this jokes page.

What is nose shaped sits on the middle of my face, has 2 nostrils, nasal hair, and rhymes with the garden equipment known as a hose.

Answer, it is my nose. 

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Here is another.  What has 5 legs, barks, can swim, can fly, has rocket boosters, and can speak, and has the snout of a seal,

Answer, a talking 5 legged seal, with wings, and rocket boosters.

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Anyway, 

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In the 1980s there was a shop chain called sock land, well people may say it was a success, but look how successful Thailand became, it became a huge country of over 60 million people, tie land. Then again just think how amazing the Ottoman Empire was, a empire of Ottomans, stretching across must of West Eurasia, and North Africa.

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Ok here is a bit of riddle, which laboratory is also a political dynasty, the fact that Britain has kind of been a 2 party society since 1945, to 2021 at least, with Lib Dems, Plaid and the SNP, strong in some parts and point so Labor a Tory, and in Australia Labour is Labor, 

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In the USA Mike Pence was VP  and his brother Greg Pence became a Congressman, I suppose his GOP people could say, well here's my 2 pence, and people would think they were going to give a opinion, as in, here's my two pence being a saying in Britaoin, for giving a point of view, then in the end along come in the 2 Pence brothers. 

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Ok I must make a Dems name related joke, , again not offensive to either, OK, what connects the Dems 1990s VP and what could have been a name for his idealogical thinking, and a Google search engine, a Algorism, 

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Riddle, which animals are the most dangerous in war, Guerillas, and moles, actually fun fact Guerillas as a word comes from the Romance languages term for war Guerre and such, but I remember being totally bemused beyond belief, as a kid, when watching Mash the sitcom, set in the Korean war, and the cool dood sensible seeming main US characters, were horrified to be under attack from gorillas, I imagined like something out of that Commercial with a gorilla, clever gorillas with guns in the hills, were pinning them down by gunfire, 

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So people wonder why the SNP were popular in the late 1980s in terms of having their main seats in some of Scotland's main fishing areas, like the North East and Western Isles, well no wonder when their 2000s, leaders, were Mr Salmon-9d, and Mrs Sturgeon, by the way I mean no offence to SNP or SNP  voters there, 

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In the Old Roman calendars some more months used to have 29 days, like December. So to them the 30th of December would sound as silly as the 30th of February. 

Plus they only had 21 letters in a archaic version of their alphabet, so them saying the letter Z would be like somebody reciting the alphabet in front of a teacher, then ending it with the letter, Beezwax, and you saying, well thats a letter we have started now for us 

I am a great fan of renaissance art, Leonardo, Michael Angelo, Rafael, Donetello, and Shredder, (This joke references Teenage Mutant Hero turtles, or Ninja in America, as Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles is the American term. )

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Also, I am a great fan of 19th Century landscape artists, such as Van Goch, Constable, and Turner and Hooch, (This references the classic Tom Hanks, movie)

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Plus the great writers of the 19th Century,  Charles Dickens, Walter Scott, Lewis Carroll, Anthony Troloppe, and Thomas Hardy, who of course was more famous for his partnership with Stan Laurel, (This joke references the classic comedy duo of the 1930s,

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And what about my visits to some of the fine towns north east of Bristol and South Wales, but in England, such as Gloucester, Warmley, Hereford, and Jeeves and Worcteser, that joke references the PG Woodhouse novels. 

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Also I am a great fan of Star Trek, and all the great characters, Captain Kirk, Spock, Dr McCoy, Scotty, Lieutenants Uhura, and Sulu, and of course Chekov, Tolstoy, and Dostoevsky, (That was a joke about Chekov there, the other 2 are also the names of famous Russian authors. )

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This is a riddle not a joke, about a 20th century Scottish guy in a service station, when does he get more Teas by saying he is Scottish than by identifying as British, when he is getting his name spelt, see 2 Ts to 1, it is a riddle,  

The funniest brand mistake ever was when Colgate toothpaste started selling colgate lasagne, with the same branding,

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I oppose bad behaviour, and people should behave, but what if a member of the House of Lords was egged on to use a House of Commons thing they were not supposed to use, by other members of the House of Lords, he could ask people to take into account that it was peer pressure, 

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I think Roger Allam, should play a movie about Christopher Hitchens, 

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I think the best parody song is weird al yankaovic get some more spam, as it even sounds like it could be the original, such a lovely song, 

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Also fraud is terrible but I do think that guy who dressed as a Arab oil sheikh in the 2000s, and managed to get loads of free stuff in I think New York was like something out of a comedy, even though it was mean to the people. but the mad thing is the stereotype of the people who he took money from was very clever rich people, it is amazing this occurred,  OK, I apologise for this being on a jokes page, but it i a crazy, and I condemn all such clever confidence tricksters, it is a terrible crime, that deserves punishment and jail, but I do see the funny side here.

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I think that Puss In boots, performance by Antonio Banderes, was the best performance by a movie cartoon character actor, that is not a joke, it is just a review, such voice acting, and work by the drawing guys,

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I say Sierra Leone is the roundest landsided country on earth, and Denmark looks like a sneezing person.

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Man City and Man Utd womens teams should call themselves Woman City and Woman Utd,

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Also when Wayne Rooney signed for Man Utd off Everton in the mid 2000s, for 40 million or some such sum, a record signing up to then in some ways., the headline should have been 40 million smackarooonies, as smackeroonies, is sometimes a slang for pounds,

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Edmund Hillary should have renamed himself Edmund Mountainery after climbing Everest and Sherpa Tensing, Sherpa Seven Teen thousand feet sing,  (I was going to say 17 thousands, but typod a better joke,

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Ok, in the late 2000s Gordon Brown was UK PM, a good song mis stated could be Golden brown, also why did people not go on about how HP sauce have a picture of Big Ben, the clock tower at Westminster, on their bottle, of sauce, when his name is Brown. And it is almost golden Brown. indeed it is called brown sauce,

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Now a Swan special section of the joke page, there,

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Knock Knock whoose there, nobody knocks, you look outside, it is a mute swan,

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A swan goes to a surgery and says, hey there is a bump on my nose, the Dr says, well it is as you are a mute swan,

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Why did the swan cross the road, as he Swanted to,

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What about a swan goes to the shop baranadoes, and types to his pal, he is going there but on predictive text it puts Barbados, the friend as they live in ULK is suprised, and the swan says I meant Barnados, on his phone, by text again, he is a mute swan by the way, and again it says Barbados,

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My 2 worst jokes of the page

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Why did a talking large, mostly herbivorous, semiaquatic mammalian ungulate native to  Africa south of the Sahara, big beast decide to go to Birmingham. To see the Birmingham hippodrome.

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So in Greece there is a place called Phlegethon, a ancient mythical location, and real place, well maybe this is where ancient lego figures fought each other for world domination, maybe they had a ancient phlegethon land,

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OK, now less bad jokes,

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My sore leg is 98. ache percent better than yesterday, (Update it is better now)

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I was walking along and I was impressed to find that there is a tree that is claimed to be over 4,000 years old, I was told it claims to be, surely the more incredible thing is that that the tree can speak, if it " claims " 

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There is also a pub in London that " claims " to be the oldest pub, and another down the road the same, but would you believe for certain anybody who has had that much alcohol  in them I mean yes if the pub can speak, but it is full of alcohol, so it may be telling tales, again it is more amazing if it speaks, than it's age, 

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Also, I heard Herbert Hoover and FDR 2 USA presidents were hit by the great depression, well why didn't they just open the curtains, that often lifts the mood, 

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2 famous horror movie characters are the "The It",  and "The thing", I should write a story then called the Whatshacallit, thingamy whatsnish name. 

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But then another horror movie character from Halloween or something is called Mike Myers, so the name also of a well loved Canadian comedian, whose name is also Mike Myers. So it must be tough in Hollywood, as sometimes people will shout Mike Myers is at the door, and the actor says yippe, what a suprise, he must be offering me a role, then they go to the door and open it then in horror slam it shut as it is the horror Mike Myers. 

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And what about the script for the sequal to Friday the 13th, it could be called Friday the 14th, and there is suspenseful music, but nothing scary whatsoever occurs, as it is the 14th, though I am sure logic would say there would be no difference, and both days would have as little scary and as many non scary days as each other, 

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Do you know they forgot I had booked a hotel room at that hotel, who did they think I was, did they think I was Pharoah Akhenaten, the one later rulers tried to erase from history, 

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People often go on and on about the potential damage that could be theoretically caused by a bull in a China shop, but my greater worry is the potential chaos, caused by a bull in a Chinese reataurant, just think of all the wonton destruction, (Wonton soup)

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Nonsense thought here. In terms of UK Cars, Also here is something I thought, some cars look like some people. Volvos of the 1990s the long ones look like bearded men, some white vans the ones with the sloping fronts, the ones where the slope goes to the floor,  like men with sloping foreheads and not that much front hair, and flat front ones look like touch guys as do Volvo lorries, maybe a flat faced action hero. And some with big grates, some 4 x 4s, you know the type and big wide front windscreens, but low rooves, look like big teethed fellas. I would give names, but it would be rude, 

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Why did the prince take walrus to his law signing place, as he needed a royal seal, 

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Apparently in the Scottish Borders, the surname Turnbull developed as one time a bull was running at Robert the Bruce and a brave man jamp into action and turned the bull away from The Bruce, saving his life, So he was given the honour of that name. Well maybe if some people were there, they would have been called Mr Running away as fast as he can shouting, help there is a bull. 

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Aberdeen FC in 2021 have a player called Ryan Hedges, and Brechin City have a hedge one side of the park, instead of like every other team, a stand, well it is a smaller place,, so when they were both in the SPFL, in 2020, you could say both had hedges running down the wing, 

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Also what about that team that guy plays for retiring the shirt number, no not in honour of his achievements as some teams do for their players, no its as he smells so bad, they are withdrawing the team number. to stop his BO spreading. 

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Shakespeare has a joke, what happens is he mocks, somebody who has a claim they are hungry, and the other character mocks them for being chubby, by being ironic, so interesting to know they had irony in those days., 

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In Dumbarton there is a hillfort called The rock, I say it  would be good against scissors, but would it do so well against paper. Actually yes it would as it is a great site, it would crush a paper army no doubt. Indeed I read there is a sandstone on it, which has a 13th Century carving of scissors on it, so the Dumbarton Castle site, would easily win any game of rock, paper then. 

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What if somebody really disliked hillforts, and looked up for a page that said, no hillforts, as I have link to that group of pages on my domain to differentiate them, but it is still on my hillforts domain, and has loads of links to hillforts pages, they would be furious at that.

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What could a top hillfort examiner in Ireland, say when telling a knock knock joke,

Knocknashee Hillfort Knocknashee Hillfort,

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Dr Dr, I heard a dr of hillfort studies is trying to design a Frankenstein monster, yes I know, my name is Dr Frankenbury Camp,   (A hillfort in Hampshire)

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What about in the 1950s when some Scottish nationalist activists took the Stone of Scone, from London, (which had been stolen a number of centuries earlier from Scotland)   a famous act of non violent student nationalism. I do not support such acts of course, and totally oppose any violence far far more, but it was not that violent so am not too upset about it. It was just a show, and a act of symbolism. But what if the police had seen it, and interviewed the people who did this, well you could say they were currant ly in custrard y, if they like scones with custard. anyway that is not a criticism of the great stone of scone, a great symbol of the great Scottish nation. I love it, though the people of Scotland matter more than the stone of course, it is just a symbol, Not that I am making fun of the people if they were arrested, I dont like to make fun of people being arrested, especially for non violent political acts. 

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So I was in a traffic jam for a scrabble competition, and there was a  sign saying Qs likely, In Scotland there was one that said, Us wait here, like youse, or you lot, There were also special signs warning of Bees, and a separate entrances for X husbands and wives Xs, and a place to have cups of T, Ts, and a place where you could really think about why you arrived at the place, when you lost, Ys,

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Also I was in a queue, but it is strange it is spelt with the letters repeated, I mean I suppose it make sense, a ue and ue after a other ue so a que, but that means if I was in a really long queue, it would be spelt queueueueueueue 

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Here is my joke national anthem for Scotland, I can make one up as I am part Scottish. So here it goes. Scots Wha hae where Haggis roam, Scots Wha Hae it's Nessie's Home, Och Eye na doo, hey Jimmy, aye, Help my Boab, And bag pipes, and toss a caber, 

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What is a Simpsons, character in a Shakespeare production fave alcohol, MacDuff Beer, 

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What does a Irish hillfort owner say, to scare potential attackers, fear my rath, I mean that as some hillforts in Ireland are raths, though not all hillforts are raths, and not all raths are hillforts. I felt I better explain that joke, as some will not know that. 

What about that TV show, where some minor celebrity could choose the greatest figures of human history to have a dinner with, so in that  then maybe a little known day time TV presenter would in this cases have a dinner with Napoleon, Buddha, Mao  and Van Goch,  plus  Shakespeare,  surely the main topic of conversation would be them, saying, well I get why we guys have magically appeared at this dinner, but why is this little known day time TV presenter here, and also why is the best player for Norwich City for the 1990s, here,  (as the presenter also chose this guy)  surely it would be just uncomfortable for the tv presenter, 
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