History Jokes

See at the bottom of the page, for my joke emblem for this page. I mean it was established 17:03 on June 10th 2020. It is a joke to put 1703. I have put the time, not year as a joke. There are around or over 100 jokes on this page. If you include the riddles, especially and such stuff, I have tried to make these jokes original,

Did you hear about the member of the French Foreign Legion, who fled the army, for a meringue. Yes, he deserted, in the desert, to eat a dessert, 

What about in the 17th century when Charles the I put taxes up so he could fight a war between England and Spain, the war did not occur, so he spent it on a painting for himself. To me that reminds me of something from Blackadder Three, when King George buys those socks. 

People say Henry Viii married a lot of times, but come on, you could
count the number of times he got married on just one of Anne Boleyn's hands. 

The oldest parliaments on Earth are the Thing in the Isle of Man, and the Althing in Iceland, it makes sense, as they are so old, they can not even remember the name, they call them, the thing, actually it was from a Scandinavian

The most Seinfeldesque thing in Scottish football history. Well people being fired is never funny of course, but what about this. In the 1960s Celtic overtook Rangers as the most trophy covered Scottish club for that decade, so the board decided to get rid of the manager, after decades of him in charge. They were all so intimidated by him though, they got someone like a boot boy to do the job, to me that sounds like a episode of Seinfeld. 

People talk about statues, and who should have a statue of them. Well judging by what happens to British statues, the people most desevring of them are people who loved Pigeons, to a daft level  So much so that they spend all their time with pigeons on their heads, and arms.  It would seem Lord Nelson is most famous for balancing pigeons on his head for 20 hours a day., and not bothering having pigeon droppings on his hat,

Another famous thing, is that saying, if walls, could talk, about great buildings and such, where amazing events have occured, Well I am unsure, but surely these places would have very gravelly voices, we could presume I think.

War is never funny, and death is wrong for all people, but I think the Brittish and French missed a chance v the Germans in World War One, As the German's helmets had a huge spike on top, It would have been sensible for the French and Brittish to have all their battles in storms, then the Germans would have been getting struck by lightening all the time, forcing their immediate surrender. I apologise to the German people for my joke there. 

JFK was a great guy, and many of the things he said were examples to all of us for a better world, and his assasination was terrible, but I do have a joke about conspiracy theories to do with his assassination, not that I am condemning people for checking the historical facts of that crime are correct. So firstly, it seems one of the most chillling theories was from a horrific frame, taken around the time of the shooting, where a figure looking like a shadow of a policeman with a gun is aiming at where JFK is in his vehicle. It sends chill down many a spine when they first see it, but the funny thing is, experts researched it, and came to the conclusion that the said figure to be a actuall police man, was likely not, that it was likely like how the human brain imagines figures or faces at night, in a evolutionary produced sensible fear. The killer blow against the idea this was a assasin hiding in some bushes, is that they say the figure would have to be 3 foot tall, and hundreds of feet away to be a actual figure, as of the way it was crouching. I have to admit, there is a funny side, to that, just imagine in the Warren commission this had been realised, and somebody then said, oh wait a munite wait a minute that explains why I saw that 3 foot tall police man walking about with a sniper rifle going on angrilly about JFK, now you come to think about it, I should have said something, and you don't see many 3 foot tall policemen, carrying guns, about like that, going on about how angry they are with the president. P.S I think Oliver Stone's JFK is great.

Here is another off colour joke. Wasn't it ironic that Hitler was writing his will and testament when the Soviets were marching on Berlin. Isn't it a rather defeatest thing to have done, at this point. His forces, would be saying, what has Hitler got to say, to put fire in their bellies, oh he is writing his last will and testament, and has asked for some poison pills, well that was pretty final wasn't it, he was saying fight to the end to everybody else, while writing his will, which was totally beside the point, as he surely was admiting he had lost anyway, 

Creationists say, of history and geologists, don't make a monkey out of me,

Hillforts were a good name, as somebody likely thought of them on a hill, most probably, when seeing these structures, so they were hill thoughts

The Aral Sea used to be a bigger sea, so, long time no sea, That is the best joke about the Aral Sea, I have ever heard or said,

 

In the story of the Minotaur, Theseus killed the Minotaur with his bare hands, his club, or a sword. Then the Athenians were able to escape, on the way out maybe Homer was saying as a joke, well that was A Mazing, because they were trapped in a giant maze. 

People say that in 1912 when Oates, left the igloo, on Scott of the Antartic's trip, saying I may be some time, he was making a act of sacrifice, maybe he had just found a winning National Lottery Ticket, and wanted all the money for himself, so got a get away.

Which era was the most friendly, the Pally olithic

Which era did people sunbathe the most, the Bronzed Age

A book 100 things to do with tuna, I dredge to think what is written in that book,

Just imagine a evil right wing military dictatorship captured a talk show host and tried to interogate him. In the end by his wordy skills, he would turn the table, and it would be, the interogater saying he grew up in blah blah, and said he want to torture school, and murder college, then blah blah, then he would leave, and the interviewer could escape,

I thought of this one, What would Arthur Conan Doyle's huge wind machine, that blew air at him say, I am a great big fan of yours.

Which writer would be a great Snooker player, Beatrix Potter,

What about how France's 1980s President Francois Mitterand, had metre in his name and was ruler of France, his first name sounds like France, his second like a ruler, or line gauge.

 

So Angela Merkel is pronounced Angular Merkel in English the German chancellor of the 2010s, well maybe seeing she had the words angular, maybe instead of being classed as ruler she should have been classed as a protractor. You know the thing you use to measure angles. You know as rulers are a piece of equipment as well.

Why do people call it a stationery cupboard, surely there are no moving ones.

I said I know him like the back of my hand, then I looked on the back of my hand, and my face dropped as white as a iceberg, I had never seen that tattoo, of the Mary Cileste on it before, Ha ha I do not really have any tattoos on it,


When I was at school, my English class teacher always used to insult my grammar, I said you never even met her, (grandma)

 

To make ends work, he said my work he said some of my work was super silly ass and full of oxymoron remarks, turned out he meant supersilious and oxymoron meant a different thing,

 

Which card hand is healthiest, 2 pears,

You know driving in France in insane. All of those drivers drive on the wrong side of the road and beep their horn at me and swear at me.

Why do Americans always wear a t-shirt. Because they have right to bear arms.

Who would be the referee of a tennis match in much of Italy, and part of Gaul and Iberia in 50 BC, a Roman Umpire

Stanislaus of Szczepanów, St. Stanislaw was born at 10.30, that is 1030 AD not 10.30 AM

Which barbarian, down with their raids of course, would be good at telling jokes, I tell you the hun, Atilla the Hun, as that is what he would say before his jokes,

People said to Caesar after he had been brutally dealt with to borrow a gangster phrase, by Brutus, but Caesar did you ever suspect people were plotting against you, when they were inviting everybody except you to meetings, he could have said, he thought they were planning a suprise birthday party,

Just imagine you were at the Spartan battle, where the Persians beat many times less Spartans, one time, in the modern era that would be like driving your car, and beeping at somebody who overtakes you in a dangerous way, and seeing there were loads of people in the car,

In a way you could say the Persians won, as the victory is what counts and that is all that matters, but really the Spartans won really, in terms of a moral victory,

The Spartans army was looking a bit Spartan after that battle where it fought the Persians, in the movie,

 

What does Jeeves say when he is cleaning up a mess Worcester's dog has left, Urine my lord, 

So Tolkein, was feeling unhappy, thinking up a new story, people could say to him, at least you have your elf,

 

I give my award of wittiest guys in history,  to Mark Twain, and P G Woodhouse, you have to have been alive before WW2 to qualify, likely Groucho Marx, as well, modern contenders include Stephen Colbert, Robin Williams, Billy Connolly, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, and Steve Martin, and Monty Python, 

As Columbus discovered America he could have played loads of games not known about in the Americas yet and been declared the best in the Americas at them

A good name for a sock puppet would be a Socrates

In the 1640s Civil war in Britain both the King, and Cromwell,  claimed God was supporting them, surely this was like using drugs in sports, and they should have all been disqualified, and the republic should have been led by the Levellers instead,

Which empire should have invented pens, the Inker Empire, Inca Empire,

After all they would write with them with their Andes,

I read that Rasputin, was poisoned shot, felled, and drowned, in the assasination of him, it was not his day,

When in the Biblical era Holy Land, if a Philistine says your great work of art you bought for loads of money, is rubbish, all you can say is he is a philistine, and this would not be a good retort, as he would just say, yes, whats that got to do with anything, asimilar things could be sai for the Vandals, and Goths. 

Should they return the Pyramids to the Faeroe Islands,

And the asparaguses which hold the pharoehs in them

How about a very confusing quiz on the USA, where the answer for the capital of the USA is New York, and Canada, is another state of the union, in a satire of people who do not know much about geography, yes I know it is Washington, and Canada is a country,

Think of this there was the stone age, the iron age and the Steel age, what came before all these, well I hear it was a age, when they had something even weaker than stone the pleistocene, or plastercene or something, yes just all that playdo, just imagine trying to attack a T Rex for your supper, with a lump of plaster cene like that,

I see that in the year 216 BC, there was the battle of cannae where the romans lost to Hannibal, its amazing they didn't just surrender after all there is the saying if you cannae beat them join them,

 

Here is my comedy inaccurate quiz, question (a), PM of the UK Winston Churchill 1940 to 45 had the same date of birth and birth place as 1950s UK PM, Sir Winston Churchill, and the same face, and life story, true or false, ok, that is a joke, as I am pretending I do not realise they are the same person, OK a other joke, Which song did Henry VIII supposedly write, in legend, OK you are supposed to say Green sleeves, but I say as a joke, "I'm Henry the 8thI am", just as a joke, and then another joke, did you know Winnie the Pooh, and Henry the 7th had the same middle name, The, 

Also, isnt it great Alfred the Great, Peter the Great and Alexander the Great all had the same middle and surname. What a coincidink, well I suppose that was a case of a name really making you cut out for greatness. No wonder their relatives Alfred the not that great, Peter the not all that good, and Alexander the not quite has it, did not do so well. And what a dissapointment they would have been if they had not achieved what they did. Nominative determinism, was not all that good a thing with Ivan the Terrible though, if only he had been named Ivan the nice guy. then he would maybe have been nicer.

Maybe Gandhi never had a independance war as they did not want to make a tounge twister like, the Indian war of independance,

Anyway and what about Augustus that Roman Emperor, so when coming into a party, he may have been announced as, Caesar Augustus, Roman Emperor, Imperator, Pharoah of Egypt, Pontifex Maximus, Victor over Anthony and Cleopatra, Son of Caesar, and Sole ruler of Rome, - or Oggsy to his friends, A similar joke could be done ffor Ramses of Egypr I am sure.

Did you hear she  is going to a state west of Canada, which one, Al Ask her,

What about a place on the east of the North Sea,

Noh rway,

Why not, it is a nice place,

Canada and Iceland, what is it with North Atlantic countries being good types of cans and ice for storing food,

What is the tastiest Football game, Chilie V Turkey

Also that Zapatero, the 2000s, PM of Spain, and Michael Schumacher,

the 1990s German F1 champ, both names mean Shoe maker.

 

OK here is the selection for the animals world cup entry for the Fifa World cup, 
1 Goalkeeper, Octopus, he's got 4 pairs of hands to save the ball. 
2 and 3 left and right backs, a Antelope, and a gazelle, good pace to launch attacks up the wing, but also strong players for defence,
4  and 5, centre backs, giraffe, and dolphin, both good at heading ball, dolphin's cleverness makes him read the game well, 
6 and 7, central midfield, elephant and bird of paradise, elephant is a bit of a bruiser in midfield controlling the territory, but bird of paradise makes some wonderful moves a midfield maestro, 
8 and 9, wingers, peregrine falcon, very good and fast on the wing, and a cross between a Arab Stallion and a American mustang as they are such good crosses, 
10 and 11
In attack we have here Cheetah and Rhino, now nobody is going to challenge rhino for a header, but also Cheetah and his pace, and his box of shifty tricks make him a star player, same old Cheetah always cheating, thats a chant that does not bother him, as he wins, though the ret of the team are more upstanding and not bookable, yes because people should always play fair and animals as well., as nice guys do win, no doubt about it, proven by history in fact, 
Subs bench 
A blue whale as goalkeeper there, (Just sit him in front of the goal, though Fifa have banned this), 
So walrus is used instead, 
Striker a killer whale very very clinical, 
Also a Seal, very good at heading but has big disagreements with killer whale, for some reason, so don't sit them beside eachother, 

Plus a rabbit, as they are quite pacey,         and quite clever little creatures in a lot of folklores and such, 
Midfielder, Chameleon, expert at switching play, and changing colour so not being noticed if offside, and even to the other team's colours for a short while. to get their passes, 
Donkey, he does the carrying,
Camel, similar
Defenders, Red deer and mountain goat, Wildebeest and a horned Bull (Sadly the ball sometimes bursts on his head), 
Surprise inclusion, Moley as a striker, as he appears up from the ground, to score, 

One more, a cat and a dog, just as people like them so much dont theys, 
Manager a Brown owl, and coaching adviser, the red fox former great striker, very clever, strategically, 

 

One idea, is they have trained a bird of prey to fly above the stadium, and knock the ball to the goal, when it is in the air towards the goal, , 

Back to the one liners, or puns, and other types of joke, though the first is a tiny bit controversial I am very very very sorry to say, as I like my readers to be happy, 


Which birds would be most likely to be a Communist 1930s Leader of a huge country, Starlings.

 

So people might wonder, how difficult it was for Magellan to get a crew that would willingly sail around the world past sea monsters, and dangerous known beasts and even nations and peoples. Maybe when he was negotiating with the crew about it, they said, well maybe, and he said, well lets come to a agreement I say we go the whole way round the world, you say, maybe just a little bit, what about we say we just go half way, then come back, and from there a deal was made. 

I was in a museum, and the huge bone was in a glass case, I said, what is it, the curator said it was a mammoth bone, I said, I can see it is big, but what is it of,

 

So anyway about that Maglellan joke, once they got half way round they just went the whole way round from the other side. 

So a joke for the future, for people who have just won a football match via their rocket boosters on their feet, after winning the world cup the fellow says, I am just trying to keep my feet on the ground, I am just trying to keep my feet on the ground, the interviewer says, oh come on calm down, then the guy takes off, I told you, he lands 20 metres away.

That French fellow "Cyrano de Bergerac" must have feared King Louis XIII and Cardinal Richelieu, after all they did persecute many Hugenouts, huge noses. people, by the way he was a guy in a film with a very long Pinnochio nose, that is what I am trying to say in that jokes, and do a play on words,

 

So not that many years ago, I think it was the 2000s, a major space body declared Pluto not a planet, They went into a big reasoning why, which is helpful, as it is a reflief they did not feel it was self-EX-PLANETry, 

People wonder who killed JFK, well once you have removed all the possible people that could have been the villains, then the only remaining option no matter how ridiculous must be the answer. So it was a hippo wearing a doctor's mask, in the study, with a candle stick,

So many ghosts are from the past, what if they had a tooth ache, I suppose they could use a transen dental expert,

That manager who won the league, I wonder if he used the same technique I use in Championship Manager, turn it on and off, so I win every game and win every trophy 100 years in a row

 

What is the fastest animal in Italy, a Lamb borgini, 

 

If black death starts again, I think I will get some tooth paste, after all it does say it stops tooth decay, cavities and plague. I know it does not really I was just joking, as it really means plaque. 

 

I loved that Daniel Day Lewis enactment of Abraham Lincoln, what a actor, he really deserved a Oscar for that, it really taught me a also about history, and how he also was a vampire slayer. Anyway, I am only joking there again, the joke there is I am getting confused by 2 movies made about the same year, early this 21st century, the Daniel Day Lewis, one which won him an Oscar and was about the emancipation proclamation, and was a deep and serious attempt at the truth,. I am pretending to confuse it with that spoof straight faced movie where he is portrayed as a vampire slayer, which of course was a fictional bit. So that is the joke there, I know they are different movies, the Day Lewis one was true, and the vampire one was a fiction. 

What about God recieving all these presents at Harvest Time, doesn't he say, I already have a tin of sweetcorn, I already have a tin of Plum tomatoes, of course I do I am everywhere, blah blah. Especially as some of you are giving me the things in the main you don't want, well maybe not, maybe he is grateful, as it is the thought that counts, and why on earth want a out of date tin of beans,

What about in JFK when they have a triangulated attack on JFK as a conspiracy theory, just imagine they lined so they all accidently missed and hit eachother,

Here is something that in a way is ironic, the tyranical French king who ruled in the 1790s, when he tried to flee, he was recognised as his face was on the coins, so people recognised him, in a way it may seem sick, but how ironic,

In a sense he was in more trouble than a onion near a French man's soup

Just imagine passing a car in the 1980s that had the first baby on board bumper sticker, and in it was a man with a dummy in his mouth driving

 

Why are American coal miners from West Viriginia  the most tea total people in their country, as minors are not around to drink there, (They use the term minors for under 18s there, I think)

Just think what it is like to see a new animal you have never seen, and just imagine it was a small monkey that stole your bag, and ran away and ran about you, that sort of thing has happened in history,


Maybe when cricket was invented people used to say did you see the cricket and people would say oh it is on the fence, and now they say it about the insect and people say oh yes, they won by 8 wickets

 

What about when cars were invented there are tyres so tired, and exhausts so exhausted, so people have brakes, and chairs to rest after that, plus a head rest, and it can be a real wrench to use a car jack, which is also called a car wrench,   

I saw a few male ducks at the duck pond, around a female duck, I suppose it was like waterbird version of when Marilyn Monroe, in her Diamonds are a girl's best friend video, when she is surrounded by many adoring male chasers. 

In 1802 Britain recognised the French Republic, maybe beforehand, it has been calling it Brian. 



I said it would be good if I taught Latin at this night school, as I do not even know the word for failure in Latin, I was doing well in the interview, but then I said and also any other word in Latin,

I heard somebody who had a long name he said it was bravo bravo oscar and loads more it turned out he was just spelling phoneticly

What about in those movies when they have 2 seconds left then the bomb is turned off, well just imagine they did it 2 hours before, in a 1 and a half hour movie that would make the movie starting after what the movie was supposed to be about. They would have to sit around doing nothing for 1 and a HALF HOURS, just people twiddling their thumbs and whistling, saying things like, I wish we had started this movie earlier, just imagine how angry the audience would be that the director had made such a foolish mistake, of starting the movie after the major event in the movie had occurred, that would be so annoying, I would want my money back, Maybe this is what happened in many art movies, which many people claim they do not understand

 

Also when you see a long droning speech at a major televised  event, Maybe unbenownst to you, and all us viewers, what is really going on is behind the scenes, A action hero is defeating a super villain in a exciting duel. In reality I normally think some long droning speeches have something to say, and listen for interesting things, 

Wouldn't it have been better if that terrible tyrant Ghenghis Khan was called Ghenghis Can Not, then he may not have gone around killing millions of people.

 

Immanuel Kant was a famous philosopher and ethics guy, which makes sense, for a guy saying can't do this, cant do that etc, I am not a expert on that subject there was more to him than that of course, 

 

I think this joke has been used before but l also thought of it like others did, it is interesting Milton Keynes the new town, was the same name, as John Maynard Keynes, and Milton Friedman two of the most important economists of the century it was founded, 

What about Clay Bertrand in the Film JFK, well after this film his name was a kind of like a mud,

 

When ever I send a lettuce (letters a pun) through the post I always remember to send it wrapped in some celery and add a note, saying yours in celery (pun on sincerely), and grapefuitally recieved, and say saladly I could not send it earlier., 

What will You Tube seem like in the future, most of the comment sections will seem like all the watchers were drunk, it's either people who are flying hatred at each other, people misinterpreting words and starting a argument, or people starting a argument for the sake of it, or people saying this is the greatest song ever, I love this, Yes they might,

What about people in the Hurdles finals, they have done it 1000s of times, then there is always one runner who falls over, what do they say Oh just a little bit more practice, seriously though people, I am only joking, they are very good at what they do,

What about that comedian who used to give a taxi driver a tip of a tea bag as he was so mean, well that means if you were a mean tipper and only gave a penny, you could look with honest horror as this man gave such a small tip,

What about Greenwich mean time, GMT, maybe if the term was created in 1980s New York Harlem, it would be Greenwich Badd Time,

 

What about also, at the same time, someone could be in a queue, at the garage, at the bit where you park your car and fill up your tyres, it was not that long a queue, but what was annoying was the person in front was just standing, bending over, with a pair of Nike Air trainers on his feet, and was just filling them up with air. 

What about in a boxing match somebody says a fly has landed on your head, the man stops to let the boxer hit it, he hits it, and wins,

 

Caesar said, no man is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected, that is like the time I saw a spider, and yelped in front of everybody, 

Just imagine after Noah was asked to make a Ark, God the day before he planned his flood, then came along in the sky looking at him from above thinking everything was going to plan, then he looks down, and all Noah has done is buy a small rubber dinghie, and it's burst too, and Noah's just lying on his settee eating crisps, saying, I thought thats all you wanted,

So Alcatraz, was the most difficult prison to escape from, just imagine the only escape ever to succeed from it was 2 criminals playing the Abbott and Costello trick, of pat a cake pata cake, then the guards look on dumbfounded and they then do what they used to do to the guards, then get past to the next guards, and that is how they escaped, 

 

Comedy Quiz (All the answers are wrong)
1 Which 2 UK 20th Century Pms had the same name, 
2 Where are the Faeroes, 
3 Which city in Yorkshire is the inspiration for the capital city of the USA. 
4 Which countries are furthest from eachother in the world, 

5 What do Toni, Margerine, Dafid, Harrold, and Neal,, and Eoin, have in common in UK politics,

6 What colour pens did I use to write this question

(A) Blue or red

(B) Yellow

(C) My favourite sandwich is tuna and coleslaw,

(d)  U2 are a great band

(E) None of the above

(F) I dont know

(G) All of the above

(H) Pass

(I) Abstain

(J) Not sure

(K) Blue, or red

(L)  bLUE OR yellow

(A Celtic alphabet letter)  Between 3 and 9 cups a day

(A Egypian hyroglyph) )

(O) I think the green carpet goes well with a blue curtain)

Another (K) The Leaning tower of Pisa,

7 What are the only band to have had a whole continent named after them.

8 What are the other band,

9 What continent is also the name completely unrealatedly, of a Toto song.

10 2 of New Zealand's most famous bands of the 1980s, both had singers called Neil Finn, who looked the same, what were their names, 

11 Which 4 countries ending with ia are the largest countries area. 


1 Winston Churchill in the 1940s, and Sir Winston Churchill in the 1950s (Really it was just as he was knighted)
2 Near Egypt, (Really they are in the Atlantic)
4 York, (Actually that is a joke,  Washington DC is the capitol) 
3 Alaska, and New Zealand, (This is true if you look at a UK map Mercator of the world, though it is wrong as the earth is not flat and Alaska is not a country). 

5 They were all post war UK part leader's first names. (The joke is they are miss pelt versions of the names as in Toni Blair, Marjarine Thatcher, Dafid Cameron, Neal Kinock, and Eoin Duncan Smith) 

6 The answer was a black pen , actually I cant remember,

7 Europe, (A joke on the 1980s Swedish band).

8 Asia,

9 Africa,

10 Crowded House, and Split Enz, 

11 Russia, Americia, Chinia, and Canadia, actually also Indonesia, Brazila, Australia, Argentinia Antartcia, India, Algeria and Kazakhstania, 


 

Interesting Movie Fact:

Almost NONE of the sheep in BBC Classic comedy series Last of the Summer Wine, and ITV soap opera Emmerdale, were professional actors, same is also true of All Creatures Great and small, the classic BBC series, either of the 1980s or 2020.


Just imagine a History lecturer said we have to remember that people from the stone age era are far more like us than people imagine. Then the TV showed him, and he was holding a big stick, and going ugh ugh with fur things on,

Somebody could walk into a old art gallery, and say I forged them all,

 

What is a Mathematicians fave food, apple 3.142 , 

In Portuguese it may be 3.142 de Maca, but then again no as pie is probably not the same in Portuguese, pie is torta for the food in Portuguese,

Same for Welsh, afal 3.142, it would not be the same in Welsh, Pie is pastai for the food in Welsh

What about where I walk past a pub that says Football Live here, advertising , how there is a game on, well after a while I settle in for a sleep, I did not realise they meant live as in live on TV, I thought they meant I could live there,

What is the point in having 3rd party insurance, what are the likelyhoods, of Ross Perot or Ralph Nader scratching my car, or the Liberal Democrats, 

 

This joke unlike the others, should be said in the tone of a 1990s American style stand up comedian, Hey have you seen the Football international draws, Australia, in the Asian football federation, Kazakhstan, Israel and Turkey in the European, and San Marino play Russia in a 11 v 11 football game, what is this a football competition, or a bad geography quiz, OK, so first of all I apologise for that joke, to the football federations, for making such sensible judgements in allowing these teams in these groups, and understand the complex political, social and footballing reasons why these lands are in those groups, so I apologise, it was just a joke, 

Also I saw on a TV programme, that a certain general was the most decorated soldier in the countries history, that was until General Christmas Tree, appeared on the scene, also I apologise to the brave soldiers who win those medals, I mean no disrespect, and as Americans say, honour their service, most of the time, 

So a guy said he was appointed chair of the board, I said, whose sitting on you.

So anyway, this is my message to the names of countries like Sri Lanka, and Ethiopia that changed their names, in the 20th Century, So I am, (Siam - Thailand) Sayin (Saigon - Ho Chi Minh City), Abyssinia, (I'll be seen ya) and so long (Ceylon), former (The first bit of the old names of the Former territory of Macedonia, before it became North Macedonia) names of countries.

What about in a 1800s based time travel episode they could say man travel faster than the horse, why that is impossible, that is as likely as man flying to the Moon by 1970

 

Interesting fact this fact is true by the way, a lot of SQL servers, including a spreadsheets I was working on, start their date as 1 1 1753. as the UK parliament adopted the Gregorian calendar in 1752. This means that Highlander, Connor MacLeod, who was born 1518, would have a different birthday in the 1980s, to the one he was born on.  

What about Quentin Matsys's painting, the Ugly Duchess, maybe that was the first passport photograph

What if he had really annoyed her by then painting a self portrait and it was the spitting image of Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise,

The worst restaurant I ever went to was the one ran by Charlie Chaplin As he made us eat leather boots.

So in chess, Gary Kasparov lost to deep blue, the IBM computer in the 1990s, he could take it a bit, but what really annoyed him was how deep blue referred to the pieces as the horseys and the prawns. 

 

I was signed up for a scrabble competition, I was in the traffic jam outside, a big sign said, Qs likely,  

People say Real Madrid have won the most European Cups to 2020, but what about Imaginery Madrid, they have won 100s, well in their imagination,

And what about Real Mallorca's rivals, Mythical Atlantis, well they are both Mediteranean islands I think. 

So Arbroath once beat Bon Accord 36 0 in a Scottish Cup match, maybe for the job interview the Bon Accord manager was saying I am so good I do not know the meaning of the word defeat, then at the end he said, oh yes now I realise, its that, 

 

In George Orwell's animal farm, maybe Napoleon's media boss should have been a goose, then he could be a propa ganda,

 

Just imagine a Australian nut producer was unveiled as the head of a Oxford college, and they said, here from Australia and it's many great colleges, is a great figure from the Australia world of academia, he is a great figure renowned there, much celebrated, and he embarressed came onto the stage, and said, I am very sorry, my cv actually says, the world of macademia,

What about those books, which have very long amounts saying what not to do, the do's and the sometimes pointlessly obvious dont's, maybe the guys in the movie halloween, and the Shining, had got the do and dont's mixed up,

 

 

So this guy was told by his wife he looked like a Greek God, Homer, OK, Ok, Homer was not a god, he was a writer, but also I am saying like someone from, gods stories, and actually they mean Homer Simpson, maybe that joke would be better if I said, like the name of a character from stories of Greek Gods, and then said, oh I meant Homer Simpson,      

 

OK, and what about when people shout Four, at golf games, when they see the ball and fear it could hit someone, well that is a name of a greatly celebrated Norse God, Thor, I looked up Norse gods, on Wikipedia, and another is called Odin, maybe they could shout that instead, 

Why did the bird watcher go wack wack, to the ducks, in the past as he heard they hated ques

 

They are thinking of merging Denbighshire and Conwy County in North Wales, as part of county cutting costs ways, they could call it Denbigger Shire. 

Bedfordshire, should have a advert, saying Bed fordshire, the land of hotels, 

 

Also in North East Wales, there is a place called Deeside, as it is by the River Dee, maybe they could call it Decide on Deeside, for attracting business. 

What would Frank Sinatra use to pack his grammer phones, bubble wrap, after Michael Bubble, or Michael Bubble Wrap,

Alfred Mossman Landon won only Vermont and Maine as a Republican candidate in the 1936 US presidential election, maybe the day before the election, when his advisors started fearing a defeat, he said, I don't know what your worrying about, I've visited all 2 states of the union, (There are fifty)

 

What football team, from Bavaria do people at the end of the yellow brick road support, Bayern Munchkins, 

 

What do you call a 18th Century, 1990s style boyband, Bachstreet Boys. (You know there was a band the Back Street Boys in the 1990s) 

What about the time as a adult, w were going to a football tournament, and it was being held at the playing fields, by a plush new playground and one of the guys said, is it near the new playground, as in where directions, so as a planned joke, I said, no come on you can go on the playground after the match, as a zinger, we do banter as you know a adult would not want to do that, 

Another time, someone came into the building, for a planned meeting  and shouted where are the ladies, I showed them that the ladies were sitting over here, they then said where are the ladies, I said oh over here, they meant a euphamism, for ladies toilet, which is why they sounded so loud, and aggrivated, 


Who was the funniest ever man from outer space, Steve Martian

 

So 2 jokes inspired by that Robin Williams joke about mind readers, 

 

So here is a joke for any Martians reading this 

///////-^ ooo {"""%^) ////<><><><><> Lol

 

And now for any people living in those lands below the earth. Like Troglygites and such, 

ahgdsgsadhgsad fsalkjfddslkfds ajhsdgsajdgsajhdsakdkjsadsasadsda sadsadsajhsajd saasujdsakjdsakjdsakj

That was that then, hopefully that does  not mean anything in any language really. Really I just did a joke piano  player style random letters on the keyboard 

 

I could make this into t a joke claiming that a Martian sent a complaint saying dont insult my wife, like that, and then pretend my attempt at a apology in Martian, ///???/// insulted their national head of state, and his wife, and mother and father, so caused a Martian ambassador to visit Earth to demand a apology, but maybe that is too far out, actually it was Venusian one. no sorry I am joking there, so I made all that up including the language. Ok that did happen, no it didnt I made that up as well. 


True story, In French colonial Hanoi, a project paid people for rat pelts handed in, a scheme intended to exterminate rats. Instead, it led to farming of rats.


What did the last person who ate dodo have said to him by the chef, do you like your meat rare, or well done, whatever the guy says, well it's none of those, it's extinct. anyway long live the WWF. 


True story. Nineteenth century palaeontologists going to China paid peasants for each piece of dinosaur bone they produced. They later discovered peasants dug up bones and then smashed them into pieces to maximise payments.

People say physicists are clever, yes well yes, surely they are the cleverest, but what about what I heard, that when they did the first atomic bomb, in Los Alamos the South West USA, in the 1940s, they were taking bets on the possibility of the world ending. Who was betting on the world ending, and what was he going to do with the money

Wayne's World comedian Dana Carvey's brother invented a device that made himself very wealthy, the first wire tapped video toaster, which worked with 1980s Amiga computers. I was disappointed to find this was to do with video making, not a device that made toast, otherwise my idea of a washing machine fridge would have been a good idea after all. I mean I was thinking maybe it teamed up with his amiga computer to make toast or a video recorder, you know instead of putting a video cassette in the machine you put in bread, and a few minutes later out pops a delicous slice for your toast with jam, but no it did not, indeed that would be unsafe and dangerous., so only use items the way they are supposed to be used, safety first I say, never put bread in a video recorder it would be dangerous potentially disastrous, 

One time I said to a guy who was from Italy, I had been to Rome, and he then said, where, as in being specific  to which part of Rome, so as a joke I said, it's in Italy. That was a good one I think, really playing, as if he did not know. 

One time I was in my aging car and somebody said to me, well if he farted then his car would have more engine power than my aging car, so I said, as a joke, well that would be true if I was in a Ferrari as of your flatulence problem. 

Another time, I had the list for what everybody was having at the Christmas meal, so we were all sitting round the table and as a joke when somebody asked the meal he had ordered, I said, a selection of breads, for a starter, so he looked shocked, then a delicious special bread for Christmas dinner, then for desert  more bread. Not really, in reality he had the normal stuff like the rest of us, turkey and stuff. 



People say that being ahead of your time, is bad, but what about being behind it. I thought of John Lennon's Imagine song only 20 years after he did, and what about all the other Beatles songs, and all other songs I have heard, like the Rolling Stones ones, which I also thought of recently, after I heard them.

 

This is not a joke, more a fine fact, What about France, Nancy, Paris, La Rochelle, Lorraine, Brittany, thats 5 women's names for places, and of course, Frances, and Francesca, and then Lens and Lyon, as 2  men's names,  and kind of Normandy, and Anne Dorra on its border with Spain, That is kind of a joke fact, so can be included as part of the jokes, 

 

Here is one about places in the North West of England,

Eric Morecambe, (Not to be confused with Ennico Morricone) Comedian, Howard Kendall, Football Manager, George Formby, Comedian,  Preston Singer, Leigh Francis, Comedian, Chester Arthur, USA President,  Christopher Eccleston, Actor, Lord Melchett, TV Character, Arthur Wolseley (Ventriloquist). Bing Crosby, Singer, Belinda Carlisle, Singer, Tommy Fleetwood, Golfer, Miss Marple, TV Character, Blackrod, Job title in House of Commons, Victoria Pendleton, Cyclist, Rower, Adam Buxton, Comedian, Olivia Wilmslow, Fictional Character, Humphrey Appleby, TV Character, Mark Radcliffe, Radio Presenter, Burt Lancaster, Actor, Lord Nelson, Naval Commander, national icon, Matlock, Tv Character, Luke Shaw, Footballer, Kate Middleton, British Royal, St Helen add a S, a Saint of Constantinople. William Westmoreland (Us General) Richard Cumberland (17th Century philosopher),  Sarah Lancashire, actress, Lorraine Cheshire, actress, Devon Manchester, hockey player, and Melissa Manchester, comedian, Anthony Eden  UK PM, Jack Dee, Comedian, Victoria Derbyshire News presenter, Iris Law, Model, Trent Reznor, (Singter) , Stafford Cripps (Politician) Everton the UK 2021 weatherman, 

Also again for North West England, 
John Prescot (Politician, 1 more T really) Pudsey the bear, plus Jimmy Clitheroe, Comedian, and Micheal Bolton, Singer, there are also lots of people with surnames Whitefield, Telford, Eccles, Blackburn, lots of Pendle names, and even Penrith and "Hale and Pace", and more, for so me of the places many would put them in the Midlands, but they are north Midlands places, lots of folk have the surname England or Britain or Britton, or names like Brazil,


And for North Wales, just outside North West England, and strongly linked, Conway (Conwy is the normal spelling for the town and council now) Twitty and Jeff Buckley,

Plus the Isle of Man, which links in with the region strongly, Douglas Adams, and Gordon Ramsey.  and John Peel, 

 

Plus back in North West England Charles Darwen (Miss spelling) Scientist, Mark Bowland  Singer, I do not think many places have this many such names, though there is Abe Lincoln, and George Washington, in Eastern England, Joe Cornish for Cornwall, Trent Arnold, and Jimmy Wales, Mr Welsh  and of course Scotland is a name of some, so that is fin, the End of that remarkable fact for me. Plus borroughs of London get a lot, but they are often people star names. 


Which places are the most hirsute type manly (not that men without much hair are not just as manly, as those of us with it, or without it) in Britain, Manchest hair, and Chest hair, 

What do you call a Cornish rap artist, a Gingsters wrapper, (This is as Gingsters make a lot of Cornish pasties) in the 2010s anyhow

What do you call a rap fan in a sweetie shop a M & Ms fan, like after Eminem, 

Another riddle, what am I codedly referring when I say, Freddie, Bruno, Duran Duran, Bananarama, Train, Gustav Holst, Foals, Simon Rattle, and Walt Disney, The 9 planets, as in Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, Duran Duran's Planet Earth, Gustav Holst and Simon Rattle's Saturn and Uranus, Train's Jupiter, and Disney's Pluto. And Banarama, and Venus. 

Why did Euro Disney not get placed in Scotland, as it disnae win against Paris,

When jockeys and equestrian riders, are being interviewed after winning a event,  if Mr Ed was the horse in question, he could say, why are you giving him a medal, I did all the work. which is unfair as the jockeys and equestrian riders are doing well. *Mr Ed was a fictional talking horse in the 1960s, in a funny TV comedy, or 1950s, 

Why are zebras not just regarded as horses, maybe there was a referendum, and the farmers asked horses if zebras were also horses, and the horses said neigh. 

3 BEAR Jokes, 

First of all, 

What about a advert where the song bare neccessities is on, and the humans in bear costumes, are all doing things that utterly are not that, such as driving a ferrari, drinking champagne, buying a expensive piece of clothing, holidaying in a expensive villa and such and such, 

Next what about when you live in a land like that, or maybe Rupert the Bear's land. And you are driving and your satnav says, bare left to say turn left, and Rupert sitting next to you, says, well what a clever machine to know I am here, and also you are on the phone, and are about to get bear, and say bear with me, and the person thinks this is more waiting time, when actually it is as bear is with you. He says, how long do I have to wait you say, no bear is here, 

Also which animal has 13 ears, a Bear, I mean if you fit a 1 and 3 it looks like B

Also which money total is the most olhar, as the Portuguese say, or one you most look at, 100k, 

So 2 times elected to office, President Ronald Reagan is a hero to most American conservatives, so I do not want to be offensive to anybody I try to be non political here, for people who are fans of him, and people who were not fans at all of him, I hope leftists liberals, and rightists can read my website happily, but I always thought it was interesting, that his name is Reagan sounds like Ray Gun, and he was so associated to the anti missile laser weapons, that could be called a Ray Gun, in a way, I think they called it Star Wars,  as I say I hope socialists, liberals conservatives, non political, anarchist, and all types can enjoy my website, that is not a political attack or defence of star wars as a concept I have no view on it,  and it is not a attack or defence of Reagan, 

This is now a tounge in cheek joke, 

I really thought that Daniel Day Lewis, deserved a Oscar for his performance in Lincoln, so a amazing especially the way he was doing all the stunts in beating back those vampires, That joke needs explanation, it is a play on how when he did that 2012 movie, there was also a movie called Abraham Lincoln Vampire slayer out, which did not star him,

 

Interesting riddle fact, in 1972, General Westmoreland  a US Vietnam war general retired, and the county of Westmoreland in Cumbria was abolished the same year, well merged into Cumbria for 1974. 

Here is my comedy riddle,

I am the riddle king yeeh heeh heeh, riddle me yeeah riddle me o, can you guess this impossible riddle to enter the secret passage or the next line on this jokes page.

What is nose shaped sits on the middle of my face, has 2 nostrils, nasal hair, and rhymes with the garden equipment known as a hose.

Answer, it is my nose. 

Here is another.  What has 5 legs, barks, can swim, can fly, has rocket boosters, and can speak, and has the snout of a seal,

Answer, a talking 5 legged seal, with wings, and rocket boosters.

Anyway, 

In the 1980s there was a shop chain called sock land, well people may say it was a success, but look how successful Thailand became, it became a huge country of over 60 million people, tie land. Then again just think how amazing the Ottoman Empire was, a empire of Ottomans, stretching across must of West Eurasia, and North Africa.

Ok here is a bit of riddle, which laboratory is also a political dynasty, the fact that Britain has kind of been a 2 party society since 1945, to 2021 at least, with Lib Dems, Plaid and the SNP, strong in some parts and point so Labor a Tory, and in Australia Labour is Labor, 

In the USA Mike Pence was VP  and his brother Greg Pence became a Congressman, I suppose his GOP people could say, well here's my 2 pence, and people would think they were going to give a opinion, as in, here's my two pence being a saying in Britaoin, for giving a point of view, then in the end along come in the 2 Pence brothers. 

Ok I must make a Dems name related joke, , again not offensive to either, OK, what connects the Dems 1990s VP and what could have been a name for his idealogical thinking, and a Google search engine, a Algorism, 

 

Riddle, which animals are the most dangerous in war, Guerillas, and moles, actually fun fact Guerillas as a word comes from the Romance languages term for war Guerre and such, but I remember being totally bemused beyond belief, as a kid, when watching Mash the sitcom, set in the Korean war, and the cool dood sensible seeming main US characters, were horrified to be under attack from gorillas, I imagined like something out of that Commercial with a gorilla, clever gorillas with guns in the hills, were pinning them down by gunfire, 

So people wonder why the SNP were popular in the late 1980s in terms of having their main seats in some of Scotland's main fishing areas, like the North East and Western Isles, well no wonder when their 2000s, leaders, were Mr Salmon-9d, and Mrs Sturgeon, by the way I mean no offence to SNP or SNP  voters there, 

Interesting almost funny fact, in the 17th Century there was a saying in London selling coal to Newcastle, as Newcastle sent all the coal to London, but by the early 2000s, any coal going there, sadly for the local miners was from abroad, in the main, so coal was being sold to Newcastle. Also there was a saying, selling sand to Arabs, and as Arab gulf states needed s special kind of sand in the 2000s for their big oil fuelled, booming building projects, then Arabs lands there were importing it from Australia, so amazing huh, 


In the Old Roman calendars some more months used to have 29 days, like December. So to them the 30th of December would sound as silly as the 30th of February. 

 

Plus they only had 21 letters in a archaic version of their alphabet, so them saying the letter Z would be like somebody reciting the alphabet in front of a teacher, then ending it with the letter, Beezwax, and you saying, well thats a letter we have started now for us 


I am a great fan of renaissance art, Leonardo, Michael Angelo, Rafael, Donetello, and Shredder, (This joke references Teenagae Mutant Hero turtles, or Ninja in America, as Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles is the American term. )

Also, I am a great fan of 19th Century landscape artists, such as Van Goch, Constable, and Turner and Hooch, (This references the classic Tom Hanks, movie)

Plus the great writers of the 19th Century,  Charles Dickens, Walter Scott, Lewis Carroll, Anthony Troloppe, and Thomas Hardy, who of course was more famous for his partnership with Stan Laurel, (This joke references the classic comedy duo of the 1930s,

And what about my visits to some of the fine towns north east of Bristol and South Wales, but in England, such as Gloucester, Warmley, Hereford, and Jeeves and Worcteser, that joke references the PG Woodhouse novels. 

Also I am a great fan of Star Trek, and all the great characters, Captain Kirk, Spock, Dr McCoy, Scotty, Lieutenants Uhura, and Sulu, and of course Chekov, Tolstoy, and Dostoevsky, (That was a joke about Chekov there, the other 2 are also the names of famous Russian authors. )

This is a riddle not a joke, about a 20th century Scottish guy in a service station, when does he get more Teas by saying he is Scottish than by identifying as British, when he is getting his name spelt, see 2 Ts to 1, it is a riddle,  

 

The funniest brand mistake ever was when Colgate toothpaste started selling colgate lasagne, with the same branding,

I oppose bad behaviour, and people should behave, but what if a member of the House of Lords was egged on to use a House of Commons thing they were not supposed to use, by other members of the House of Lords, he could ask people to take into account that it was peer pressure, 

I think Roger Allam, should play a movie about Christopher Hitchens, 

I think the best parody song is weird al yankaovic get some more spam, as it even sounds like it could be the original, such a lovely song, 

Also fraud is terrible but I do think that guy who dressed as a Arab oil sheikh in the 2000s, and managed to get loads of free stuff in I think New York was like something out of a comedy, even though it was mean to the people. but the mad thing is the stereotype of the people who he took money from was very clever rich people, it is amazing this occurred,  OK, I apologise for this being on a jokes page, but it i a crazy, and I condemn all such clever confidence tricksters, it is a terrible crime, that deserves punishment and jail, but I do see the funny side here.

I think that Puss In boots, performance by Antonio Banderes, was the best performance by a movie cartoon character actor, that is not a joke, it is just a review, such voice acting, and work by the drawing guys,

I say Sierra Leone is the roundest landsided country on earth, and Denmark looks like a sneezing person.

Man City and Man Utd womens teams should call themselves Woman City and Woman Utd,

Also when Wayne Rooney signed for Man Utd off Everton in the mid 2000s, for 40 million or some such sum, a record signing up to then in some ways., the headline should have been 40 million smackarooonies, as smackeroonies, is sometimes a slang for pounds,

Edmund Hillary should have renamed himself Edmund Mountainery after climbing Everest and Sherpa Tensing, Sherpa Seven Teen thousand feet sing,  (I was going to say 17 thousands, but typod a better joke,

Ok, in the late 2000s Gordon Brown was UK PM, a good song mis stated could be Golden brown, also why did people not go on about how HP sauce have a picture of Big Ben, the clock tower at Westminster, on their bottle, of sauce, when his name is Brown. And it is almost golden Brown. indeed it is called brown sauce,

Now a Swan special section of the joke page, there,

Knock Knock whoose there, nobody knocks, you look outside, it is a mute swan,

A swan goes to a surgery and says, hey there is a bump on my nose, the Dr says, well it is as you are a mute swan,

Why did the swan cross the road, as he Swanted to,

What about a swan goes to the shop baranadoes, and types to his pal, he is going there but on predictive text it puts Barbados, the friend as they live in ULK is suprised, and the swan says I meant Barnados, on his phone, by text again, he is a mute swan by the way, and again it says Barbados,

My 2 worst jokes of the page

Why did a talking large, mostly herbivorous, semiaquatic mammalian ungulate native to  Africa south of the Sahara, big beast decide to go to Birmingham. To see the Birmingham hippodrome.

So in Greece there is a place called Phlegethon, a ancient mythical location, and real place, well maybe this is where ancient lego figures fought each other for world domination, maybe they had a ancient phlegethon land,

OK, now less bad jokes,

My sore leg is 98. ache percent better than yesterday, (Update it is better now)

I was walking along and I was impressed to find that there is a tree that is claimed to be over 4,000 years old, I was told it claims to be, surely the more incredible thing is that that the tree can speak, if it " claims " 

There is also a pub in London that " claims " to be the oldest pub, and another down the road the same, but would you believe for certain anybody who has had that much alcohol  in them I mean yes if the pub can speak, but it is full of alcohol, so it may be telling tales, again it is more amazing if it speaks, than it's age, 

Also, I heard Herbert Hoover and FDR 2 USA presidents were hit by the great depression, well why didn't they just open the curtains, that often lifts the mood, 

2 famous horror movie characters are the "The It",  and "The thing", I should write a story then called the Whatshacallit, thingamy whatsnish name. 

But then another horror movie character from Halloween or something is called Mike Myers, so the name also of a well loved Canadian comedian, whose name is also Mike Myers. So it must be tough in Hollywood, as sometimes people will shout Mike Myers is at the door, and the actor says yippe, what a suprise, he must be offering me a role, then they go to the door and open it then in horror slam it shut as it is the horror Mike Myers. 

And what about the script for the sequal to Friday the 13th, it could be called Friday the 14th, and there is suspenseful music, but nothing scary whatsoever occurs, as it is the 14th, though I am sure logic would say there would be no difference, and both days would have as little scary and as many non scary days as each other, 

Do you know they forgot I had booked a hotel room at that hotel, who did they think I was, did they think I was Pharoah Akhenaten, the one later rulers tried to erase from history, 

People often go on and on about the potential damage that could be theoretically caused by a bull in a China shop, but my greater worry is the potential chaos, caused by a bull in a Chinese reataurant, just think of all the wonton destruction, (Wonton soup)

Nonsense thought here. In terms of UK Cars, Also here is something I thought, some cars look like some people. Volvos of the 1990s the long ones look like bearded men, some white vans the ones with the sloping fronts, the ones where the slope goes to the floor,  like men with sloping foreheads and not that much front hair, and flat front ones look like touch guys as do Volvo lorries, maybe a flat faced action hero. And some with big grates, some 4 x 4s, you know the type and big wide front windscreens, but low rooves, look like big teethed fellas. I would give names, but it would be rude, 

Why did the prince take walrus to his law signing place, as he needed a royal seal, 

Apparently in the Scottish Borders, the surname Turnbull developed as one time a bull was running at Robert the Bruce and a brave man jamp into action and turned the bull away from The Bruce, saving his life, So he was given the honour of that name. Well maybe if some people were there, they would have been called Mr Running away as fast as he can shouting, help there is a bull. 

Aberdeen FC in 2021 have a player called Ryan Hedges, and Brechin City have a hedge one side of the park, instead of like every other team, a stand, well it is a smaller place,, so when they were both in the SPFL, in 2020, you could say both had hedges running down the wing, 

Also what about that team that guy plays for retiring the shirt number, no not in honour of his achievements as some teams do for their players, no its as he smells so bad, they are withdrawing the team number. to stop his BO spreading. 

Shakespeare has a joke, what happens is he mocks, somebody who has a claim they are hungry, and the other character mocks them for being chubby, by being ironic, so interesting to know they had irony in those days., 

In Dumbarton there is a hillfort called The rock, I say it  would be good against scissors, but would it do so well against paper. Actually yes it would as it is a great site, it would crush a paper army no doubt. Indeed I read there is a sandstone on it, which has a 13th Century carving of scissors on it, so the Dumbarton Castle site, would easily win any game of rock, paper then. 

What if somebody really disliked hillforts, and looked up for a page that said, no hillforts, as I have link to that group of pages on my domain to differentiate them, but it is still on my hillforts domain, and has loads of links to hillforts pages, they would be furious at that.

What could a top hillfort examiner in Ireland, say when telling a knock knock joke,

Knocknashee Hillfort Knocknashee Hillfort,

Dr Dr, I heard a dr of hillfort studies is trying to design a Frankenstein monster, yes I know, my name is Dr Frankenbury Camp,   (A hillfort in Hampshire)

What about in the 1950s when some Scottish nationalist activists took the Stone of Scone, from London, (which had been stolen a number of centuries earlier from Scotland)   a famous act of non violent student nationalism. I do not support such acts of course, and totally oppose any violence far far more, but it was not that violent so am not too upset about it. It was just a show, and a act of symbolism. But what if the police had seen it, and interviewed the people who did this, well you could say they were currant ly in custrard y, if they like scones with custard. anyway that is not a criticism of the great stone of scone, a great symbol of the great Scottish nation. I love it, though the people of Scotland matter more than the stone of course, it is just a symbol, Not that I am making fun of the people if they were arrested, I dont like to make fun of people being arrested, especially for non violent political acts. 

So I was in a traffic jam for a scrabble competition, and there was a  sign saying Qs likely, In Scotland there was one that said, Us wait here, like youse, or you lot, There were also special signs warning of Bees, and a separate entrances for X husbands and wives Xs, and a place to have cups of T, Ts, and a place where you could really think about why you arrived at the place, when you lost, Ys,

Also I was in a queue, but it is strange it is spelt with the letters repeated, I mean I suppose it make sense, a ue and ue after a other ue so a que, but that means if I was in a really long queue, it would be spelt queueueueueueue 

Here is my joke national anthem for Scotland, I can make one up as I am part Scottish. So here it goes. Scots Wha hae where Haggis roam, Scots Wha Hae it's Nessie's Home, Och Eye na doo, hey Jimmy, aye, Help my Boab, And bag pipes, and toss a caber, 

What does a Irish hillfort owner say, to scare potential attackers, fear my rath, I mean that as some hillforts in Ireland are raths, though not all hillforts are raths, and not all raths are hillforts. I felt I better explain that joke, as some will not know that. 

 


What about that TV show, where some minor celebrity could choose the greatest figures of human history to have a dinner with, so in that  then maybe a little known day time TV presenter would in this cases have a dinner with Napoleon, Buddha, Mao  and Van Goch,  plus  Shakespeare,  surely the main topic of conversation would be them, saying, well I get why we guys have magically appeared at this dinner, but why is this little known day time TV presenter here, and also why is the best player for Norwich City for the 1990s, here,  (as the presenter also chose this guy)  surely it would be just uncomfortable for the tv presenter, 

 

Why is this a story about someone having a chat about a queue for tea drinks and a queue for peas, AOICURQ@TQ YUBQ@PQ

Also RU3IR4U2RUQ4TI8T2, is more about q queue for tea. as in food,

And what am I looking at here, 1 s E p 2 d f 8 p , it is some versions of numbers 1 to 9 back to front,

And what D d ) b g 7 the French one, e H I l  >i, l m n o q u /g 2 t u v w x y z , well that is some versions of the alphabet letters back to front,

 

So the Wales rugby team, have a national stadium with a roof, well when they play teams that are not that great, not the high level professional teams, in the 2010s, unlike in the 1990s, they can romp to a victory, the irony is they often have the roof on, to make sure the weather does not equalise the teams, as that can be a leveller in those cases, so really they are often at their most ruthless when they are not roofless.

Why did the cockerel cross the road to the hillfort. To reach Castell Hen Llys,

So for France, since the 1980s, all French presidents have been 1980 - 2022 either a Napoleon or De Gaulle in looks, either a shorter or average height Napoleonesque dark haired guy like Mitterand, Macron, Hollande, and Sarkozy, or a tall long nosed fellow like De Gaulle as in Chirac. Amazing as that is barely 10 percent of the population at most. 

What does a businessman want for his dessert, profit aroles. 

What do you call a female receptionist at a shoe factory, Sue Lace, 

What do you call a woman who works at the emergency services, 

Nina nina nina nina nina nina nina (its the noises ambulances make) 

Owl special section

What does the male front office guy say at a owl factory, when you ask to have a look at some files, Owl av a Look. 

and 50% extra free another Owl joke. 

What does the female receptionist say, when you ask when your appointment is at the owl factory is, two weeks to you. 

Here is a joke for those when I have my headphones on,  

KNOCK KNOCK WHOS THERE, DR, DR WHO, YES, EXACTLY, 

my pal ginger told me that joke, well thats not that original you may say, well it is, as he is a cat. ok I am joking there, it was Korky the cat. 

Here is another, Knock Knock, - No answer, my headphones are on, 

Here is another, Knock Knock, Come in, 

OK, I will do another Owl joke, 

I am thinking of getting that owl I mentioned to be a stand up comedian,  as she is a real hoot, 

OK, yes another Owl joke, if you like those owl jokes, you will like this, 

So there was a referendum, among the owls, on should they expand the amount of hours the library for owls is open, well it was the case there was a turnout, but 10% of the owls, did not vote, when asked, why, it seems they did not give a hoot, 

Actually the owls, were attracted a to a other owl, who they each said was good looking, she was a real head turner, as in heads spinned right round, 

They each said, Owl have a look. 

Why do hummingbirds, humm so much, they dont knows the words, 

OK, a music band for animals, 

Elephant, as it has a trumpet, whales, as they sing, and hummingbirds, 

They are inspired by the eagles and the byrds, and beatles. 

No wonder Wales is the land of song, as Whales sing, 

What would be Hanna and Barbera's fave North Wales county, Flintstone'shire, 

What would the merged band between Cliff Richard's the Shadows, and U2 and the Edge be called, Cliff edge, very dangerous to walk near cliff edges by the way, 

My witty reposte is to say "I know you are", and but "2 times is careless, 3 is just foolish", to every single insult, whether it makes sense or not, which really confounds any insulter, 

You know Lions and Tigers are related, as they both speaking the same language, roaring, 

When Lois Lane, and Clark Kent go on holiday, when most people do that joke of standing in front a far away bridge and putting their hands in air, as if holding it up, well Clark Kent if he did that for his pic, would be able to do it for real there, and his cousin, Supergirl of course, 

What do you call a insect at a supermarket a grass shopper, 

What is a snakes fave subject hisstory, 

In the 1980s, there was the brilliant live aid, to raise money for the famine in Ethiopia, and farm aid in the USA, ands also people probably made money for them at times with Lemon aid stalls, as in lemonade,  or limonade, as the French say, like how in Italy, Important, is importante, 

You know doctors those great people, have the hipocratic oath, but dentists also great people, could be, something about the trooth but as tooth, like we must face the tooth, many phrases could come into play, 

And those not so good at all individuals in terms of this aspect of the, in fact bad in terms of this aspect, fraudsters, the hipocritcal oath. 

What do maybe some call someone who does not use full stops, a fool stop

So I was in the East Midlands, and there was a town I was in, where they said they had invented a major oval ball sport, where the sport was named after the town, I can't remember where it is, it may have been Leicester, or WWE,  (It's Rugby)

Why do they call fee paying schools public schools in the UK and Private schools in the USA, is it the case that in the USA they are all secret and underground, and in the UK they are in open air exhibition centres where people from the local community come and watch the the learning, that should be said in the tone of a 1990s New York edgy comedian, 

Which hillfort in Shropshire, the west of it, is in it's abbreviated a name a clue to how fascinating it is, OOH, Old Oswestry Hillfort. 

What does Thomas the Tank engine say when he sneezes, Achoo choo choo, 

So I went to the shop, and saw that next door a lady was getting a couple of tatoos of Demsond Tutu AND Canadiajn Icehockey player Jordin Tootoo, at the Edinburgh tatoo, to celebrate the 2:2 she had from university,  titling them with writing on her arm that they were to them, she had a tootoo on at the time, decorated with patterns of the tatoonies song from Star Wars, and the last part of a noise that a owl makes, so I said, look at that lady, she is getting, the one who had a 2:2, so I addressed her as 2:2 tootoo, so I exclaimed, and pointed at her saying to, so people would know I was referring to her, reiterating the last worfd a couple of times, I SAID "to, 2: 2 tootoo! Two to Tutu Tootoo tatoonie twooh, tatoo Tattoos, two to tutu tatoo twooh Tatoonies tattoos too too too too many if you ask me, 

Which hillfort in England could be mistaken in it's abbreviated name as a police officer, Pereborough Castle Hillfort, PC Hillfort. as in Britain the term is Police constable. 

What would Ned Flander's fave hillfort be, Old Oswetrteedokely, 

So my brother has taughtt a bee to talk he asked it what was the first name of the second man on the moon, and who the Christian name of the spaceman in Toy Sotory, he was right both times, Buzz, 

When I walk past a house that says "To let" as a sign by it, should I remember that it is not a Toilet where the I has fallen off the sign, 

I went to a zoo which had a Chinese animal in it, and put black and white patches on me, and started eating bamboo, to be nice for it, to make it feel at home, I suppose you could say I just was panda ing to it, or pandering,

I wonder if I should put any brackets here in this joke, (Its an idea(well maybe I should, (If I do too many it could be confusing, (but it could help  people understand like commas, (but its a wonder, (so maybe, yes I will))))), I have forgotten what I was going to say,

What would be the tastiest houses, a Steakhouse and a Chocolate house, both those are names for types of eating locations.,

Now I remember, 

Here are some more riddle names for places I have made up

East Virginia, Oldfoundland, Irish Columbia, French Columbia, San Marinoese Columbia, West Korea, and East Korea, Outer Asia, Nice temperature, North Asia countries, Outer East, the West Pole, the East Pole, how about climbing everest from sea level, Also Spherical Earth society (So true there is no need for it), Flat Jupiter Society, Round Jupiter Society, Spherical Moon Society, in copying of East is East , I have South West is South West, 

OK, there is some joke, where I could say a explorer is in the East Pacific and sails east so he can reach a isles a couple of dozen miles west, as he does not realise the British style map of the world, splits the world, so the 2 places are on other sides of the ,map, and that would only work on a sketch though, or maybe a comedy movie about a explorer, and also then he thinks the same is true for north and south and it goes wrong there, I suppose someone could make sense of that, 

What would Count Dracula's fave hillfort be,

Why it would be Bloodgate Iron Age Hillfort in Norfolk, East Anglia,  in Britain

Why do HR departments human resources dislike people insulting them, they dont like personnel insults, 

A good tactic in Rugby, could be to turn your posts into a catapult, by pulling them back, and aim your player, with a helmet, and safety pads,  right towards the opposing try line, OK maybe it would be a terrible tactic,  too dangerous, so dont try it, and actually the posts are brittle so would brake,

Somebody asked me to recite the Gettisburg address, like they do in American TV shows, not here though, so I guessed, 143 Abraham Lincoln Avenue, Gettisburgh, America, 

The wittiest statement I know of from Ancient History, was in that movie the  300, and recorded, as the remark, from the Persians king, said we will fire so many arrows, we shall block out the sun, and Leonidas remarked, Then we shall fight in the shade, so I suppose the Persians around him, must have been trying to control their laughter like the scene in Monty Python, the joke about the Roman emperor with a lisp, which as a lisp person I oppose a bit, though Monty Python is great, but and then maybe someone slapped the Persian guy on the shoulder,, while all the Persian soldiers all a milion of them laughed, saying well he got you there, with the King looking annoyed for a the minute or a few that the Persian soldiers, laughed at the witty reposte, looking like he had chewed a wasp, for the whole time, 

So I climbed Ben Nevis once, the highest mountain in the British Isles, Belgium, the Faeroes, the Netherlands, Luxemburg, and Normandy and Brittany, so now am entitled to call the mountain Ben Nevis, rather than it's full name Sir Benjamin Nevis esquire Senior, HL, Sco, Also Ben Macdui, or Benjamin Macdui if I ever climb it, but if I visit the Isle of Lewis, Scotland's largest isle, well it is always saying so, no, no Mr Lewis Island, or Mr Island, hey just call me Lewis. 

What is Jean Luc Picard and Star Trek Deep Space Nine's Benjamin Sisko, and Elim Garak's fave reality TV show, Keeping Up with the Cardassians, (There are aliens called that in the TV show, plus it is the surname of a popular family in the US who have a reality TV show, there name is the Kardassians, no relation, and completely different ) that is the nature of the joke, 

What about a comedy character like in a TV sketch show, who is at dinner parties, and cinemas, but he always says and brings up a weird subject in the middle of normal conversations, (Like I sometimes accidently do), I don't mean sick, or upsetting, I just mean like rats, or some war, or some long ago crime, and only in in adult polite company, I dont mean like with kids, or monks, or nuns, I mean average company, not that jokes like that are at all wrong, (though people should be nice and polite in such company) but I want it to be a sedate, just minor mistake show, 

What if a Roman emperor was on a diet, and he said, have I lost weight, and a honest person, tryimg to encourage him to not think he has achieved all he could, and can still reduce to super fit a bit more,  said, yes you are less fat, well he would be offended,

One time a woman came to where I was working, and said, where are the ladies, so I brought her through to the meeting where the ladies were, it turned out she wanted the ladies toilet she was annoyed as she was desperate,

What about when you climb a hill, and you look at the noticeboard at the foot of the hill, and it says estimated climbing time, 1 hour and half. Well what if it was written by a really fast walker, or a really slow walker, like superman, or a tree sloth, then the estimated time is of no use whatsoever,

In the 1990s, the World Wrestling Federation and World Wildlife fund had the same initials, so in the end WWE changed it's name to WWE as in enterianment, I mean with Hulk Hogan and the Undertaker, you would be suprised they accepted the name change, as of the threat of muscle, but of course the WWF did have lions, and bears on their side, so no wonder they won that argument

So in the 1970s Nicaragua, before Ortega, was ruled by Somoza, well just imagine you were at a Indian buffet and you condemned the 1970s Nicaraguan leader, wouldnt it be a shame, if the waiters then thought you meant samosas, then you would not be offered any of them,

What Scottish football team do fans of 1970s Swedish pop music support, Abba Deen, 

What Welsh league premier team of the 2010s do Swedish Pop music fans support, Abba ystwyth, 

Scotland and Canada both have important places called Inverness and Hamilton, when I said I had been to Inverness in Scotland someone in Britain thought I meant Inverness in Canada, silly huh,

Another time I was in Newport, South Wales, and some people arrived by bus, and were furious as they thought they had booked tickets to a Newport, Isle of Wight, which is dozens of miles away, they were furious.

Some people talk about the 1960s as if it was some amazing time, of  change, and they mention Bob Dylan, hippies, and such, but pretty amazing so few people mention how the world changed from black and white to colour, and how all these old painters had known what colours to put beforehand, (not really)

A lot of comedians have histories of being doctors or are kids of them, like Colbert and Conan, comedian bloke person Simon Brodkin, Julia Louis Dreyfus to some extent (She is related to some of the famous Dreyfus people, including the one involved in the 1900s Dreyfus scandal, where a guy terribly was picked on for being Jewish in France) and Mark Maron,, and Harry Hill, and such, but no wonder, when they have a term like in patient, he's a inpatient, in waiting rooms, I mean of course you would inpatient at times, 

Also I have hard to read hand writing at times, which people say about doctors, and I wash my hands in the way doctors do, and have been in hospital, so I also have a medical history there, and I know first aid, 

Which age had the smoothest shirts, the Ironing age,

Which Welsh town is most deeply dippy about the things you say, Llansaintfred, I made it up, based on a play on names Right Said Fred and their song,

So Dolly Parton must be a great fan of Welsh princes, like her song Jolene, Llewellyn, Llewellyn, Llewellyn,
I'm begging of you please don't take...

This only makes sense if you are speaking with food in your mouth,

So the 2 most famous universities in England are Oxford and Cambridge, its great Scotland had 3 when England had 2 for a while, but when Wales founded it's first, like how England has Oxford, Wales should have had one at Cowbridge as it's 1st, its a town in South East Wales. 

Which fabulous Welsh bronze age cape, sounds like it is less valuable than it is, as of it being named after the lovely town it is from. 

The Mold Cape, it is made of gold, but a person me, may think it was not, Interestingly Steve Martin mentioned it in a song. Those sorts of names for towns and cities are the most quiant and authentic, so a great name for a place, but all other places are as well, as I dont mean to be offensive to Mold there, it is a great place, and a great memorable name, something to be proud of, and what a jaw dropping cape,

Which team are top of the league every season in Scotland, Aberdeen, on alphabetical order,

Which team are always top of the league in Denmark, Aalborg,

Where would a Welsh speaking Fred Flintstone live, if he dwelt in the Lleyn peninsula, Llanbedrog,

Who is a Italian cafe's fave opera star or figure, Rigatoni,

What is the tastiest landmark in Italy, The leaning tower of Pizza,

So I was thinking, the Roman Empire, had 2 capitals, first Rome and second Constantinople, Byzantium, Istanbul, well you could say in italy it was in Italy I mean initially it was in Italy. then Turkey,

What bird likes 2 tins of the beverage non alcoholic, or stronger, depending on his or her choice, well no more than that though, as it is all the bird can handle or want for now, a toucan. 

I tell you one time, my Mum left her tablet, the computer type, my Dad, his tablets, the medicines, and a brother his tablet, the Scottish sweet, indeed I was also seeing the museum had a tablet from thousands of years ago, we had moved, it was impossible to organise which tablets they were referring to, so I better make sure I do not eat a blackberry messenger, a apple computer or orange phone. or milk remote control,

Here is my idea for one of those old fashioned Newspaper front page cartoons, the broad sheet ones, with a little single piece cartoon, it could be 3 birds on a water table by the seeds, and they are saying hey did you hear Jones in finance, has got a promotion, it's like a satire on the business executives chatting round the water cooler,

I do like tough jokes at times, but I do think humour should have a moral compass, I find it silly when a comedian, some of those who say it are great though and make great jokes and bring a lot of joy, but I find it silly when some have a no apologies, attitude. I just think, come off it, stop acting like you are a warrior, you are a clown, a very good one, but you are paid to make people laugh, if you upset people, sometimes though not always, a apology is OK to make, even Groucho Marx did not like some jokes, as subjects, though I am not wanting to be a censor on humour here, I am just saying people should have respect to a extent. Then again some dark jokes can help society get over some subjects, or laugh in the face of fear, and are part of coping mechanisms, but then again I do not think it should be felt you can saying anything full stop, and not expect there to be people who are annoyed, and maybe a need for a apology or rethinking and such, 

If you do not find ant of these jokes funny, congrats on the sense of humour bypass,  or maybe you just have a different sense of humour, so sorry about insulting youse.

Also I am a great fan of comedy, and love loads of comedians, but a bit hypocritically I can get annoyed at some jokes. But isnt it funny that so many comedians who seem socially just amazing, and hilarious, and great fun people., and socially adept, also so often, some of them, not all, as some are good at this, and try to walk a not that fine line, dont realise that offending people may get them in trouble or people annoyed, and act like its amazing anybody could be offended by somebody "just saying something," which is a basic basic social knowledge most know very well, but we do egg them on a bit to be fair, 

What is a scracerow's fave comedy work, sign in a field, 

I have had my current sofa for 7 years so sofa so good. 

If a rich fellow comes up to me and boats he bought a pair of shoes for 500 pounds, or a painting for 10 million, I could say, well come with me next time, I can get you one down the market for a tenner, I'll make you sure are not done like this again, and I think I am being nice,

My inaurate phonetic alphabet, a for ah, b for for Bee, C for Cangaroo (Kangaroo) , D for the River Dee, E for Eh, F for Fone (pHONE, G for tasty Gelly that you eat (Jelly) , H for Alfred Itchcock, I for Eye, J for Jenuine (GENUINE) ,  K for KaTS the animals (Cats) , L for sounds like Elle, M for MMMMM, N for no that was wrong, or nome, (gnome) O for like a naught, P for pneumono­ultra­microscopic­silico­volcano­coni­osis Q for snooker queue, you were thinking I meant snooker cue, as in the thing you pot with no mI meant a line of people outside a building at a snooker match, or a even a big letter Q that they had that they were keeping for a snooker match, S for Some forests, (Not good as I have a lisp) T for tarmigin the bird actually has a P at start,  U for uh, V for Vee are pleased to meet you, X for xplanation (explanation), Y for Y are we waiting (why) and Z for zat was wrong start all over again (that) , 

The good thing about having a robot as your butler, is when a person says, I'll be 2 minutes, it is so easy to get annoyed with your human butler for being 2 minutes and 3 seconds, well a robot butler, would known exactly how long he would take to let the guests in, and say so, 2 mins 3 secs, 

Which animal was the first on Noah's Ark, a aardvark, just beating the aaaaanteater, which was found to be miss spelt, and the aaaaaah a lion, which was found to be a clerical error or rather terror,

One time, I was in charge of the Christmas menu at the Christmas meal, and in a prepared joke, when someone asked, so what did I order, I can remember, I said, well a selected of breads for starter, then for Christmas meal, (he was already shocked, a specially made delicous loaf od bread, then for desert more bread, that was a joke, by then the penny had dropped,

Dr Dr I think I am turning into a hillfort.

Doctor replies, Well I prescribe, that you start getting some fresh air, and going for long walks,

Patient, oh really

Dr, Yes, and go find the highest hill, lie down, keep quiet, and imagine there is a wall about you to make you feel walled and safe, & just lie there,

Not a joke, just a thought, 

So February is not spelt Febuary and Wednesday, not spelt Wensday,, so silent R and a silent d then e, I cant think of a joke about it, maybe what about a riddle, like what days or months  would you set up a fair brewery on a day where people get married by Loch Ness, sadly I can't think of a joke.

What about when in the 1970s London Bridge was bought and taken to a town in Arizona, and put over some water there, as a tourist attraction. All fair you may say, but what about the time we went to London, and I was using a old map from the 1970s, and it said you have to cross this bridge here, noticing this bridge was now in Arizona, I had to drive all the way to the airport, and then Arizona, and back, just to cross the Thames, so of course I was a few months late for the important business meeting,

What about the time it rained frogs, just imagine a insurance salesman had gone around selling all sorts of insurance to everybody, from onions falling on your head, to your house walls turning out to be made of jelly, to frogs falling on heads, and he had to pay out to the people it rained frogs on,

 

Or for a joke when asked who was the greatest American you could say Abraham Washington, and say as the asker gets amazed, he defeated Spain in the War of Independence, and that he signed the Louisiana Purchase, that joke is better for British History as it is a longer period, when asked who was the greatest Brit, you could say Winston Shakespeare, he invented the printing press, defeated the Armada, and abolished slavery,

So political experts often talk about swing voters, I was reading that swing music writer, among his stuff, Irving Berlin switched between Democrats and Republicans presidential candidates across his life, surely this means he was the original, and the mostest Swing voter, also Harold Rome, was a left wing swing music guy, but he was not so much a swing voter.

 

If I am eating a biscuits and someone phones at work, I can decide to spit it all in a cup and answer the phone, or just not that I have ever, I could leave it to message facility, and say, well sorry I had a important call I was just finishing with Professor Digestive, .

Here is my basketball team, to give the best of the best of the NBA a run for their money, Yeti, Goliath (not a myth if you believe the Bible, but he is in the team, whatever) Yowie, Bigfoot, Teenwolf, Chewbacca, 

I always make sure I plays tennis, at about ten ish o clock, and have dental appointments at tooth thirty, Plus get my driving test appointments at 10 past 10, (Its where you put hands on a steering wheel, though I passed that many years ago). 

Jersey have got a football team, the one thing about them is they always play for the Jersey.

 

Guernsey have got a football team, the one thing about them is they never play for Jersey,


New Jersey have a sports team, maybe state colleges, of it do, the thing about them is I wonder if they wear second hand tops, I mean they only play for New Jersey.

What is Darth Vader's fave footy team, Death Star Belgrade, 

What would the 3 wise men's fave football team be,

Red Star of Bethlehem Belgrade, 

My brother had a chicken tikka sandwich given him for free by a newsagent, I think they were just currying favour, 

Red Star of Bethlehem Belgrade, Lol yeah hahaha, 

I wont say Oliver Stone is obsessed with the assassination of JFK, but in DVD extra he did talk for one hour about the theories on conspiracy theories, OK, you may say, but this was the movie Any Given Sunday, that's not true actually, thats my joke, anyway its OK if he is interested in the subject.

Here is my results list for a 100 BC European football, imaginary,

European Cup Winners Cup  Sponsored by Italian Amphorae Wine

Quarter Final

Maiden Castle United 2 Dun Aengus 1

Dumbarton Rock 1 Athens 3

Tre'r Ceiri 1 Biskupin 1

Heidengraben 4 Thebes 1

European Cup Sponsored by Roman Fish paste

Sarmizegetusa Regia 1 Cadbury Castle 0

Rome 5 Sparta 1

Castro de Santa Trega 2 Castro De Monta Penafiel 2

Bibracte 2 Kelheim 0

UEFA Cup sponsored by Carthaginian Ships

Traprain Law 1 Cissbury Ring 1

Old Oswestry 1 Rhodes 1

Halleburg 1 Oppidum of Manching 2

Portus 1 Masalia 2

African Natiuons Cup

Egypt 2 Axum 1

Nubia 1 Great Zimbabwe 1 

Scottish Cup Final

Tap o' Noth 3 Dumbarton Rock 2

After beating Dunadd Athletic and Dundee Law United the Semi Final, 

FA Cup Final

Maiden Castle United 3 Cadbury Castle 1

Welsh Cup Final

Dinas Powys 1 Penycloddiau 2 

World Club Championship

Final 

Kaifeng 2 Rome 3

Semis 

Kaifeng 2 Thebes 0 

Rome 2 Olmecs 1 

A Quarter Final result 

Thebes (Egypt) 1 Thebes  (Greece) 2

Not all really were of that time, but thats my choice.

Also International results

European Championships, 

Gauls 2 Roman Empire 2

Picts 1 Britons 1

Germania 2 Basques 2

Athens 4 Sparta 2

Iceland P Norway P, Norway qualify via forfeit as there were no people in Iceland at the time.

World Cup 1 st round, 

Tupi Guarani 3 Goths 1

Of other eras,

Pre history

Football

Neanderthals 1 Homo Sapien Sapiens 2

Denisovans 1 Neanderthals 1

Home Sapien Sapiens 1 Denisovans 1

Rugby

Neanderthals 10 Homo Sapiens Sapiens 9 

Lost lands,

Doggerland 2 Beringia 0 

Sundaland 4 Wallacea 1 

Bronze Age Fifa World Cup

Egypt 2 Assyria 1

Mycaenae 1 Babylonia 3

Judah 1 Shang Dynasty 1

Elam 1 Hittites 2 

Egypt, Also win the African Nations Cup against , some of those events, in 3000BC, and in 1200 BC 2 0 v the Nok Civilisation of Nigeria, so a rare team to also win it in the 21st Century as well. 

15th Century

Transylvania 2 France 4

Scotland 1 Aragon 1

Polish Lithuanian Commonwealth  3 Kingdom of Naples 2

Muscovy 2 Novgorod 2

Golden Horde 1 Delhi Sultanate 2

Portugal 1 Ottoman Empire 0

England 1 Teutonic Knights 1

San People 1 Ndongo 2

Aztecs 4 Mississipi Mound Builders 1 

Granada 0 Papal States 1

10th Century

Gwynedd 1 England 1

Holy Roman Empire 3 Byzantium 2

Constantinople Blues 2 Constaninople Greens 2 (The OLD PERNE in a Gyre Derby)

Angkor Wat 2 Water Powered mill Kyiv / Kiev 0 

Ancient Rugby  scores

1650 

New Zealand Maori 20 Australian Aborigines 10

New Zealand Rugby Cup Final 1800

Mangakiekie Pa 30 One Tree Hill 7 

Dark Ages European Cup

Bath Aquae Sulis 20 Dinas Powys 10 

Connaught 20  Dumbarton Rock Strathclyde 10

100 BC

Silures 20 Rome 15 

Gaul 20 Hibernia 10

Caledonians 10 Brigantes 7

Germania 5 Dacia 10 

Olympic medal Table 100BC

Greece

Roman Empire

China

Egypt 

Gaul

Actually there was a real one, so maybe it would be just Greece and Rome, or all those Greek states. So a proper list.  

Fictional Scorelines

Fooball

Ewoks 3 Elves of Lord of the Rings 2

Marvel Superheroes 1 DC Comics 2

Death Star Select 9 Springfield 0 

The Galactic Republic 5 Discworld 2 

United Federation of Planets 6 Klingon Empire 4 

The Klangers 2 Klingon Empire reserves 9

Brigadoon 1 Lochdubh 2 

Oceania 1 Eurasia 2 

Morlocks 1 Eloi 1 Match abandoned due to sendings off, 

Replicants 3 Human Beings 2

Transformers 3 BFG Giants 1

Lapland Empire 3 Queloot 1 

Skynet Robot select T-800 to T 1000 series 3 Matrix 1 

Lol Dols 1 Barbie Dolls 2 

Ambridge United 1 Casterbridge Wessex County 1

Amazons 1 Yonaguni 0 

Silurian Civilisation 1 Atlantis 2 1/2 

Orson Welles Martians 2 Bat-like winged humanoids of the Moon, of the 1830s New York Newspaper hoax, 4 

Rugby 

Hogwarts School (Not really, but the one in JK Rowling's Harry Potter) 20 Orks 7 Only as of the magic, Top Scorer Harry Potter, 

Smurfs 3 Transformers 40 

Winter Olympics, Shangri La, unknown AD, 

Cross country mountain, rock and cliff running, 

Gold Medal, The Yeti, 

Award for Most Brugel-esque Painting sport

Men's 5,000 Metres Speed Skating Relay, 

Award for most West Side Story, dances, like sport

Long distance Speed skating

Actual Animals American football 

Bears 30 Eagles 10 

Future Games

Fifa Solar System Cup

Mars Colony Elon Musk 3 Brazil 4 

Europa 3 Saturn and Moon System Colonies 3 

Moon Base Armstrong 2 Sweden 4

Pluto 1 Russia 1

Inter stellar Galactic Games

Gogo City 1 ////////// 5

Rocket Rovers 3 Milkyway Galaxy 3 

E 0 Eieieieieieieyh 1 

Hologromic select 1 Jupiter Moons 2 

Time Traveller cup 

Brazil 1970 2 Egypt 4000BC 1 

Ok thats enough of that,

The capital city of Norway is Oslo the largest city in the country, which is Oslo in Europe, 

Here is a new national anthem, for Swiss cheese, God save our holy cheese, god save our tasty cheese, god save Switsz cheese,

How does a narcisistic singer get ready to sing, 

Doh ray me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me    me me me me me me meme me me me me me meme me me me me me meme me me me me me meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee me, I myself, me me yes me me me me me , 

Van Morrision and Laurie Anderson could form a musical duet called the vehciles, 

Which plants,are friendliest, ones in wind, that are waving at you in the wind, 

Why did the Celtic warrior Queen, Boudica, get annoyed when the Romans, asked if they could have a talk with her, she thought they said, have her torc, 

I saw there was a long kebab, it was 1 MEATER long, 

What did the peace negotiator want at the lunch meeting, Peace and chips, (Peas

I read yesterday that Tyrone beat Mayo in a Irish sporting competition, well would they have beaten Salad Cream, (Mayo is a Irish county by the way) 

In Star Trek, when they have those devices which make food, just appear, well they would be very dissapointed with instant coffee, as it takes a few minutes to appear, 

Who is the wittiest US police oficer in the world. 

Seargeant O Ha ha ha tee hee hee. ha hee hee

So they were organising a wedding, and I tried to make sure they remember to nail down the canopes so they dont blow away in the wind, and make sure the many types of canopy are tasty, the wedding organiser was bemused, but thats why so many of the savouries were nailed to the ground outside, 

If somebody says they are out shopping for their dog before Christmas, does this mean they are buying one, or buying presents for their dog, though I better say A dog is for life, not just for Xmas, that is very true, 

You know when people say 3 words is wrong order, to underline a point, like 3 words close door the, well what about this, 20 words, The Loch Ness Monster is a great myth, so I like it, it is in the Highlands in the legend in Scotland, as 20 hey words matee, Scotland, a great Loch  Monster, Ness is myth, the like so I it, it in the Highlands in legend  the  in is , it could be a sketch, in a sitcom, but a bit forced, 

What about when people say they are not very good at remembering years in history, I could say really dryly & slowly, Ehh, the year is, and then say the year,

A relative of mine crossed, the Rivers, Dee, Eye and Wye recently 3 rivers named after letters. 

There is a French community called, Y, so the capital letter is it, 

If it became capital of France, it would be the capital of France in 2 sense, 

Here is a song for the RSPB, just that song R E S P E C T, and use those words, 

I dropped some bits of tuna in my garden and a cat came up, sniffed it  and did not eat it, I thought ooh, where do you normally go, the Ritz, but he's a great cat, as the one, who did eat the tiny remains of it leftover, 

What did the silly person start rubbing his back with a a telephone receiver, Well, its as he was told, there was a telephone massage I mean message on his phone. 

A positive about me is I am good at self depericating, very relaxed a way of making me feeling I can make people feel relaxed about me, to put me at ease I just feel if I can insult muself, it makes people feel at ease around me, I dont take myself too seriously huh, so thats OK, makes people feel at ease, anyway teeh heeh I am not great at spelling, oh wait a minute how dare I say that about me, how dare I, who do I think I am to stand for that kind of cheek, oh wait a minute I do take myself seriously. so there folks. 

What would a deep sea diving accountant say, when telling assistants, to leave out writing all the details of a case down, just "see case notes" in the filing cabinet, no no, now they have dived to look at the case in the sea.

The painter Canaleto's paintings of regatta's in that fine city of Venice are so synonymous with the city, but also in the sense that he has canal in his name.

Why does Mad Max, in the movie, always stay at abandoned, post apocalypse supermarkets for 3 hours, well there is a sign that says, Max stay 3 hours. 

I wrote this joke, on a day when a little dog came up and barked mildy aggressively at me, the owner pulled it away after letting it bark at me, and I walked away then it ran after me, so I turned a corner to get away and it kept running after me and barking, fearing it was going to folow me home. then I saw in front a man with a big scary dog, so I had a look at the litttle dog and pointed at the dog, and oit just stopped, and ran back to it;s owner, so I win little dog, 

Which country is best at draughts, the Czechers, I think checkers is draughters, 

Puntastic, 

Which hoover sounds like he was related to a USA FBI boss of the 20th Century, and a USA President, I am referring to the one that has 2 eyes and a mouth drawn on it, made in Britain since 1969, to 2022 at least, the Henry Hoover. 

Once I said to a American in Britain, who asked me where the bathroom, is, pointing at it, I said, sorry there is only a toilet in there, it was a accident, as of course funny as Americans say bathroom, as a euphamism for toilet, 

So if someone asks what is your phone number, I can say, it is a number people can ring me on, 

This is a American style observational comedy joke,  in that accent., 

So have you noticed in the fields of admin, so much has descriptive names, like a stapler, a photocopier, a staple remover, a giant stapler, a hole punch, a key ring, a letter opener, the paper cutter, the pencil sharpener, in America a eraser, a pen holder, the most ultra is brown folders, they are these little a3 size pieces folded so they can hold a4 pieces, I mean thats so exact, the colour is named, nobody could be under any confusion about they are for, if they had never heard of them before, though I get annoyed at so many things being called folders, I mean maybe it shows admin good admin is about having things making sense, whereas in some fields, its all multiple different sometimes undescriptive terms, 

And if they say what is your address, I can say, it is where I live, 

What about the borrowers those tiny people in those stories, just imagine they used a jam jar for a door, well they could say, the door is ajar,

People say Eddie Murphy did not win an Oscar for the Nutty Professor, when playing, over 5 characters, but people do not realise he has won 20 Male and female Oscars, for all the movies through Braveheart and Titanic,  since 1985, as he such a good actor he can play all those parts. ( I am not making fun of Eddie Murphy there, he is a very good comedian and actor) though on the bad side, it is not the case, he did not win those Oscars I was lying, but he is a very good actor and comedian, so that is great, ,

Why did a man have dairylea slices and edam chedder on his chess board, he was playing chesse, and why did a cheese counter at a supermarket have pawns and kings there, on his counter, he was using a cheesse board, instead of a cheese board, 

Which Scottish football team have the biggest atmosphere, Air United, 

What is a Roman emperor's most feared movie sequel, a Spielberg one about a alien where a new character called Brutus is involved, ET 2 Brutus

What football team does a feminist support, Paris Saint Germaine Greer, 

Which hillfort in Devon in it's abbreviated form, sounds like a Scottish Hillfort, Maiden Castle Hillfort, McHillfort. 

Which hillfort sounds like it could be a rapper, MC Maiden Castle Hammer,

 

 

Which hillfort sounds like it really was from a long time ago, British Camp, BC, as in not anno domini,  So BC by name, and built BC,  

Which hillfort sounds like it has a business degree, in initial MA Moel Arthur, 

Which Scottish hillfort, in abbreviated form, would be heavy Tap O Noth, Ton. maybe that is not how abbreviations work. 

Which hillfort sounds like it could be a mountain Mam Tor, MT, a abbreviation for mountains, as to Mither Tap, 2 jokes in the very much loosest sense of the word, for the cost of 1 there, 

One time a bee was in my car I suppose that was like in Steven Speilberg's Jurassic Park, when Numan got in a car, and the dinosaur was there. I was very brave and got out the car, but made a similar noise to him when outside. 

To be honest they missed a trick in Jurassic Park, when you think they had Numan, but Kramer, the Big Giant Head, Seinfeld, Costanza, Elaine, and the Solomons, were somewhere, and we could have heard how their reactions were to him getting a great exciting job like that, 

And what about in Savings Private Ryan, when Ross is there, what if somebody said, Hey are you Chandler  Bing, and he said, No I am Ross, 

I think we are right to respect our nation's forbears, that being Yogi Bear, and the 3 bears in Goldilocks, 

Which hillfort has the abbreviated name of a British broadcasting institution,  Black Ball Camp in Somerset. BBC

Which hillfort would have the initials of a A Team character, BA Baracas, Bwrdd Artur, 

Which Hillfort would be a good code for a Isle of Man road race, The Trundles, TT, near Chichester, 

What is red, with a sore throat, a book called How to cure your sore throat, I meant read, 

 

While writing jokes, we said, I  cant find my pencil, thats had been in now, as we said we would write all the jokes down. even if they are not jokes, 

So I was looking at job applications that arrived for the new job, there were job interviews, for, so for some of the applicants I think they may have trouble at the interviews, as they only spoke languages called Bilingual and Multilingual., ( I am being ironic there) 

Which hillfort would be a good name or word for scrooge to say when he is not wanting to visit a hillfort, Brwdd Arthur Hillfort, BAH, as in humbug, 

Which hillfort has the most Revs, Caer Caradoc,  as in CC, 

Where would a American racing driver most want to see in terms of Archaeology, the Nascar Lines, instead of Nazca, F1 would want to see the F1 lines, 

Which hillfort sounds like a twitter user's Girlfriend, Gaer Fawr, as in GF, 


People say Bill Clinton thought of the joke It's the economy stupid, actually I did, like when I go into shops, and am just about to leave, and I did not buy the USB cable as well as the printer I am buying, I say, when the shop guy says did you not want to buy this as well, I say, Of course I did stupid, (I do not really)

Look what I have dun special 

What did the Iron Age chieftain say when the tribe finished the hillfort for him, Well DUN. (Dun is olde Celtic for fortification)

What about when Archaeologists find the remains of a skeleton in a hillfort, from 2000 years ago, and evidence there was a murder by foul means, they could call it a, who DUN it, 

Also in terms of the hillfort building, some may say, You dun good, 

So on hillforts, there have been remains of items for cooking I wonder if they were Well Dun. I mean the food, 

What would a Iron Age person / Warrior say if he came forward in time and saw one of those quarries that have destroyed a hillfort, WHAT HAVE YOU DUN!!!!!!!!!!!

So who wrote  those jokes, I dun it, 

What does a kid who makes a hillfort drawing say, I dun it, 

If a shark visits below a coastal hillfort, what music lyrics occur, to the Jaws theme, the bit where the shark fin is coming close, you know that bit, but he is being a friendly shark by the way, with glasses on, as he is so interested in the subject, Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun, 

apologises to anybody who has been attacked by sharks, by the way, my greatest sympathy,

And what lyrics beat noises to Beethoven 5th symphony, DUN DUN DUN DUN, 

Also the same lyrics for humming the tune Rock around the clock, 

What do you say when about to present a award to someone who wrote a book on hillforts, drum roll, and to a musical beat you say, with a climax, dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun, dun dun dunidllydundundun dun, here it is, 

What do you say to a guy who moved a pallisade, and knocked it down by accident when trying to help defend your hillfort, What have you Dun now, 

What did the archaeologist say, when he had to say his dog had did something that needed clearing up near the entrance, my dog has dun something, 

What do you say to a excavation team, who helped dig at a archaeology excavation at a hillfort, well dun,you have dun so much, and have dun so much to be proud about, I am delighted at what you have dun, and how you have dun it, it has been dun to the best of your ability, well dun, 

Why does Danebury Hillfort not have a door knocker, as you Danebury Ring the door bell, its other name is Danebury Ring, 

There is a hillfort in Northumberland called Wooperton East, 

So what does a hillfort say when D J ing, it decides to say, it in a cool way, shouts, Everybody in the house say Woo perton East Woo perton East Woo perton East, and everybody shouts back in the crowd, 

Also that Korean band could sing that song, with woop in , and add that, Gangnam style, 

What does a magician say, when revealing a spell at a hillfort, again with a climax, dun   aaa, 

OK OK that jokes has been dun to bits, I will stop that exact pun word specific joke just for now, 

In School we had something called general studies where we would have a set lesson every week of various topics that would not be in maths, or English or science for those things that were random. But I always thought what if it was about being a general, and army training. 

Also here is my new palindrome for Michael Palin, it describes Michael Palin talking about palindromes while looking in the mirror. Michael Palindrome emordnilap leahcim. 

Annoyingly in 2021 Wikipedia has just one article for the Proclaimers, for some reason Craig and Charlie Reid dont get a seperate article, which is kind of unfair on them, I think, its like when twins have tpo share a text book in school, when the others get one individually which is unfair, but I suppose its manageable, so not that bad,

Also a lot of Wikipedia articles have kind of bizarre beside the point statements in the lead paragraph now (that should be way down the article), its a bit like a snide person who introduces somebody and says a bizarre random insulting fact about them from their life, to snidely put them in their place, though Wikipedia is brilliant, and I have only this occur a few times for biographies, but I think that should be sorted.  

The future ia s foreign country, 

I passed a van that said had on the side that it is a traditional mole catchers and ridders method company, which must mean they stand at the bottom of the field, with a mallet waiting for them to pop their heads out of the mounds, hope not as it sounds a bit too much for me that, in terms of the moles, but I suppose for some its a need. I mean like theat game in a arcade, where a plastic mole pops up and you have to hit the plastic mole that pops out of each of the 10 holes with a malletl, they are not real, unlike real moles, I mean that would be bad, 

Which Airport is the most comfortable for a My Chemical Romance fan, Manchester airport, its initials are also MCR, 

What would a lord of the Rings Orcs' malt loaf be called, Sauron Malt Loaf, 

OK, I would not be too fond of eating locusts, but if they were cheap they may be low cost,

There is such a thing as field hospitals, thats nice for any injured grass, 

I saw a place that said it was a equine veterinary centre , well that is great horses who served in the Vietnam War get help, 

What about a parrot that repeats what the owner is saying, to say he he has a good deal, saying cheap cheap, people will think he is just making other bird's noises, and does not quite know how to speak parrot properly, 

What about in Boxing when the boxers say to each other how they are going to beat their opponenets in aggressive rough ways, what about somebody that in a chess press conference, maybe a good line could be, I'm going to beat you so bad at chess, youll be so confused you will only be able to walk diagnolly,

In 2021, Aberdeen have a player called Ryan Hedges, and Brechin City  till the 2010s, were the only team in the Scottish league with on one side of the pitch a hedge instead of a stand, as they are a small place, so thats 2 teams with a hedge running down the side  of the pitch.

In Spanish football, the most Welsh sounding game is Llaneros FC V Real Betis, as there are lots of Llan's in Wales, and places called Bettws,

What would Adam and Joe fans bring to a picnic. a Cornish pasty and some Buxton mineral water, 

Which hillfort would be a rival to thunder cats the 1990s cartoon series, Thundersbarrow, as in Sparrows, 

If cats could read, the whole of a rung of rows of magazine shelves, would be magazines about mice, mouse catching, how to cook them and all, that, they would just read them all the time. 

If I stood in a UK  election I would call myself the Hillfort 1,234,987 votes party, then when announcing the constitiuency votes it would sound like I had won by loads,

China in the early 20th century had a May the 4th Movement, aimed at dragging China up towards beating back colonialism, well done that idea, as it worked, maybe that is what was meant the Star Wars by May the 4th be with you. I hope I am not offending any Chinese people there, as of course colonialism is bad. It is just a joke.

 

What about that episode of Dr Who where there was this guy covered in tatoos, head to foot, as some kind of character it reminds me of the guy sitting next to me at that car test exam, except it was just he had written all the answers to the tests which helped him pass his driving theory test, on his arms, hands, and legs, he kept looking at them to pass it, 

 

As of my part Scottish heritage I was asked if I do anything special on St Andrews day, I said I well, what I will do is when I get home is I will put on my kilt, and my tam o shanter, drink whisky and Irn Bru, recite Burns poetry, play the bag pipes, listen to Scottish folk music, and eat haggis and neaps for my dinner, so I had to admit I was sorry to say, it was pretty much just like any other day, for me, so No I dont do anything special for it, 

Emma Radicanu the British Tennis player who won the US Open in 2021, she would be Peter Rabbit's fave tennis player. as her name is with the word radish,

 

What is the dryest desert in the world, that chocolate cake, 

Did you here about the sea life centre aqurium that was short staffed so it gave a octopus a job as a cook, it was doing some egg and bacon, cleaning the dishes and mopping the floor and putting out the cutlery at the same time, then the manager asked can you put that poster up for me, and it said, hey hey I only have 4 pairs of arms.

People say he was rising like a rocket and falling like a rock, and they have the same letters other than 2, 

This is said in the style of a 19th Century theatre comedian from Italy, I say I say I say where is My dear a, he is looking for his wife, the answer is, it is an island in the Atlantic Ocean, 

What would Craig Lister, Rimmer, Kryton, and the cat's fave place in North Wales be, Red Wharf Bay, plus Holly, and Kochanski, 

Why does a journalist never tell you what he puts on his kebab, as he never reveals his sources, I mean fave sauces, 

Apparently there is a huge building in Romania, which is so big it has a atmosphere, and it is the only building in the world to have that, So it is like the laundry room in my old college, when the windows were shut, as of all the precipitation which developed on the windows. 

What did Caesar always carry a umbrella with him for, as he was always being told "Hail Caesar", 


Also, what  does Santa say when his sleigh breaks down, hey hey ho,

A good Christmas delivery service name would be 8th reindeer,

One time at work a guy a fellow staff member was making crank calls, pretending to be a farmer and such so one time I claimed I realised it was him when the Usa Veteran phoned about a piece of equipment, no such call had been made, but he was horrified when I was saying I said we did not help people in his situation, as I knew he was a crank caller, well that stopped him, he was horrified, 

What teams would a dog support in Scottish football that won the Scottish Cup in the 19th Century, St Bernards. Maybe Albion ROVERs. as Rover in cartoons is often used as a dog's name.

What town in North Wales would be best for Ant Man to live in, Paul Rhuddlan (Paul Rudd is the actor) 

So in Alien, the monsters, looks a bit like a lobster, wouldnt that be horrifying if someone bought one at a cafe restraunt and it then turned out to be alien, and jamp on the waiter carrying it to the table, actually I believe we need to treat lobsters better, 

What would Val Doonigan's fave band be, Cardigan Bay, actually they were named after a military commander, those tops connected to here, interestingly Balaclavas and Wellingtons were also named after British miliary figures or events of the 19th Century. 

Turnip special Joke, 

So did you hear that a different person won the best turnip award at the garden fete this year, well I say, that was a turnip for the books. 

How did the man who turns into a wolf have the money to buy loads of new stuff, as he had the wherewithal,  

Which athletes are best for really pondering issues well, Discuss throwers, 

Not a joke, but if you are stuck remembering which in America is the Democrats, and which the Republicans a good way of remembering is Reagan R for Republicans, 

 

What about in the time of the ancient Greeks, some hero in a time of trouble may say, may say, well what would Homer say about this, and someone says, what are you talking about the Simpsons for at a time like this, 

Wouldnt it be interesting or cool, if every time, one of those tiny helicopters flew over you, like the ones in James Bond, one of the Roger Moore or Sean Connery ones, where a evil bad guy sends them to attack him, if the music from the movie comes on, the dramatic music, it would cause me to jump into the grass, fearing this was now occurring to me. 

Also, what about when you see a rock waterfall, what a relief if I walk over to it, that the music from the Timotei shampoo advert does not come on, its sound like some kind of nature music, with such voices,  it would be a good Just for laughs gag, as in the advert people have showers, so it would be embarrassing to anybody who walked over it to feel the water, natural embarrassment would kick in, just like in JFL, 

 

Also what about in the USA when in the 2010s there or 2000s, there was a writer's strike in terms of main stream comedy writers on the major networks, well what about if the presenters had just come on, and just talked about how they ate a apple that, day, and meekly asked if anybody had any jokes in the audience, then again I have seen they do jokes like that as skits so very funny stuff,  some of the skits, but I mean not as a skit, but as a real thing, and people begin to realise hey this guy isnt joking. 

Also what about in terms of football commentry a team is on the attack and instead of saying how amazing every move and goal is, you get a hyper rational droll, fellow, who in a very dull manner, says, yes well you would have expected that sort of pass from a player who cost 100 million pounds, and no wonder he scored I would expect that etc etc. Then again I am more like they hyperbole attitude when I watch football, than the negative attitude of acting like great players are not do9ing anything special, but in my joke sketch the guy shouts like a 1990s Italian commentator, but shouts the statements instead of saying oh how mazing, he says, well it is to be expected he would score like that, but in the shouting style and tone of someone celebrating the goal as amazing, it has more effect, to undermine the spending of millions on players some teams do then acting like it is amazing they beat a team, who spend far less, its the satirical aspect, you could even bring in some cutting political satire on the sorts who own some of the teams, saying there is 100 million pounds down the wing, crosses to 50 million, and shoots past a 20 million goally. 


 

What do you call a Korean KPop Band that plays Ray Charles songs, Seoul Music, (He is a soul singer)



What do you call a KPop Band that likes northern soul, Pyongang music,

https://www.hillforts.co.uk home page of this site   

and

https://www.hillforts.com home page of this site

 

A person who used to talk to ghosts said they used to be a medium, but now they are extra large, 

So there is a saying, walk a mile in a man's shoes before you can judge, him, I did that with a brother's shoes, and realised, hey this guy's feet are bigger than mine, and also hey these arnt my shoes, also if I did that to anybody else, they would be the one judging me, 

Also what about I have a sensor in my car, whenever a motorbike overtakes me, a song comes on, on my radio, "Born to be wild", 

Also Conwy the county in North Wales, has a waterfall called the Conwy Falls, and a department for people who  sadly fall over called the Conwy Falls department, interesting fact there, 

So I said, of course I have read Lord of The Rings, I proved this by saying, my fave bit is when the guy from Sherlock Homes meets Gandalf, ipso facto, (Explanation, - its a TV series) 

Also what about a billionaire announces he is giving his money to charity, in his will, to his family, and a lady knocks at the door, she has a cat, and says., here;s,  charity, the cat is called Charity,

So the astrophysicist,Mr or Professor De Gras on Colbert said Aliens may have been watching USA TV for 80 years, so what about in Independence day the movie they arrive and all they want to see is what happened at the end of Mash, (Its a 1970s TV show)

So what about a name for those scarecrows, they put in police costumes at speed spots, to slow motorbikers down, what about scaretraffic polcemen, 

So what about Dwr Cymru, Welsh water, water company producer, perhaps they could have a online TV channel, or just a one where video types are sent down stream, for watchers, it could be called a Streaming service, (Streaming service is the 2010s term for online) 

My brother sets his clock 15 minutes fast to make sure he is on time, it caused him to win the Olympic 100 metres by just under 15 minutes,

What do people who make cakes for charities use as a main ingredient Self Fundraising flour. 

Oasis sing a song where they say dont put your trust in the words of songs, so I find that confusing like a double negative, 

So political candidates often say they want to do the best they can for the best country and people in the world, well they do it in lots of nations, well why would I want our leader to be helping Shangri La, more than us, that is me just joking, of course it is all lands really, 

So the River Esk in Cumbria, is a river, or is it just River esque, kind of like a river, kind of, maybe it is a canal, 

Also So the River Esk in the Scottish Borders, Selkirkshire, is a river, or is it just River esque, kind of like a river, kind of, maybe it is a canal, 

Very good by there, 

So I was painting my fence today I was wearing a anorak and a duffle coat as people always say put on a undercoat and a 2nd coat. 

Anyway St John Stone, play Inverness Caley Thistle in the 2022 Premiership play off final, I wonder if they will  win or lose to ICT on agreggates, (They are something quarries use and includes stone) 

Worst joke Ever award

So there are lost of signs that say, No Fy tipping, as councils dont want to have people fly tipping, as in tipping stuff on the fly, But also it could mean if you think flies are doing a good job getting rid of all the rubbish at roadsides, people dont want you tipping them, with food as a reward for it, 

Which country or continent is best for shaving, You razor, 

Which country is on a diet, Finland, Actually it's parliament was called the diet whens it was under Russian control, in the  19th Century, which historians read about now, so in effect it was on a diet in the 19th Century, and it became independent in the 20th Century and 21st Century so is now called Finland, 

So in wars, people sometimes ask for slugs to shoot at their enemies, I think siders would be more likely to scare people, (Slugs is a word for bullets) 

Germany has a place called Heligoland, a island, I hope nobody turns up there disappointed it is not the German for legoland, which is in Denmark, so not far away, 

What would be the best hillfort tp have vdeo surveillance, CC Cadbury Castle CC TV, 

So Sunderland, is where the River Tees is, maybe to up the rivalry of the footy teams, Newcastle should renames the Tyne, the Cofees, 

What New York baseball team, do people from Alsace and Lorraine support, New York Metz, 

Here is a war song, Nothing can stop our armeee, not a tank not a plane not a jet or a anything, 

So based on that, nothing can beat our army or our legeeee, 

So I went to a barber and he put a 1 p then another 1 p on my head, that a penny a cent or centime for Euros or dollars, he wanted to give me a 2 p, 

I saw a sign at the park, that said no fouling, so dogs would not be allowed to do their business without their owners clearing away it, I said, well that football team player would not be allowed here, 

So a good trick is to go up Moel Fenlli, and say also I went up as well, Foel Fenlli, of course the cool dood in the know hillfort experts know that is the same hillfort, but many shall believe you climbed 2 mountains, I mean hills. 

Why not have a hillfort  version of the board game Risk, 

 

Also a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Englishman enter a hillfort, the Englishman says what is this hillfort called, and they see a Italian man, a other Welsh man, and a Irish lady, he is trying to remember,  then the Scotsman, sees one has dropped a minor organisational membership card, that says Kerry on it, and says hey you have dropped this badge, which one of you is called Kerry, so the three turn, the others have a badge, one says, Ceri, the other Keri, the Italian says, Tre Ceiri, and the Welshman says, yes that is the name of the fort, (Tre is three in Italiano), 

That joke would kind of work for French as in Trois Ceiri, 

Which English historical site is also the start of a quiz question on which team knocked Coventry City out of the FA Cup, it was Sutton Utd, the season after they beat Spurs in the 1987 Fa Cup final, answer, Sutton Hoo, 

I was asking Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street who lives in a bin, how lovely it is being in the celebrity world, is it glamorous, being a celeb, give me all the goss, (which means Gossip) on the glamour of it all, he said it is not as glamorous as you think, for instance he lives in a bin, and eats garbage thrown in it for his lunch and dinner, by the way that was a fictiosous conversation, I made it up myself,

 

We interrupt this broadcast 

Breaking News .. Breaking news,  Breaking news,

we have a urgent newscast from the newsroom, where our most esteemed newsreader has some major news, 

Pause for hushed silence, 

Newsman: I just farted,  

Newsman,: There I go again, hear that, rasberry noise, 

Back to the scheduled programming, 

Sorry about that, 

So I heard a piece of land with a hillfort on is for sale, see my fun facts page, well what if a estate agents was selling the 2 Caer Caradocs in Shropshire, I think you could call it a second hand Caer dealers, 

We interrupt this broadcast 

Breaking News .. Breaking news,  Breaking news,

we have another urgent newscast from the newsroom, where our most esteemed newsreader apparently has some more major news, 

Pause for hushed silence, 

Newsman: Buuuuuuuuurp,  

Back to the scheduled programming,

So sorry about that, Los sientos, mia culpa,  

Also some people were a bit suprised that one US president of the 19th Century was called Garfield, the same as the 1980s cat cartoon character, but I said what about Britain, we had William Korky Gladstone, Top Kat Pitt, Tom and Jerry Disraeli and Lord cool kat in the house Marquiss of Forfar, PS I made those names up,   

We interrupt this broadcast 

Breaking News .. Breaking news,  Breaking news,

we have another urgent newscast from the newsroom, where our most esteemed newsreader, its OK its not that guy, its our other most esteemed newsperson, 

Pause for hushed silence, 

Newswoman: Countdown ladies sing this song doo dahh doo dahh,  

Back to the scheduled programming,

So sorry about that,

Back to jokes

 

So I wanted a fancy dress out fit as a elephant, and was missing some vital pieces, , 

So I went, to a auctionear, but they did not have any ears, I was furious,  you know

Auction ear, Auction ear, like auctioneer, or auction ear I mean auction ear, ear, auction, auction ear,  

Breaking News .. Breaking news,  Breaking news,

we have another urgent newscast from the newsroom, where our most esteemed newsreaders, I am sure its got to be something this time, 

Pause for hushed silence, 

Empy chair,

Camera points at another chair, 

Different newsman, "Sorry I have nothing for you", 

 

Back to the scheduled programming,

So sorry about that

What earthwork historical sites in New Zealand, sound like they would be great places for your personal assistant to go, a PA, 

We interrupt this broadcast 

Breaking News .. Breaking news,  Breaking news,

Here is the newsroom, 

Newsman and Newswoman,: Moon River, Moon River, it just...(They sing the whole song) 

Back to the scheduled programming, after that nice song, 

Why might some New Zealanders presume Panama is filled with hillforts, it's Internet abbreviation is pa. 

OK, in JFK the Donald Sutherland guy tells Costner, he is the only guy doing this investigating JFK's assasination, properly, so its important he does it, I am taking the same idea for writing jokes about hillforts and stuff like that, I am the only guy doing it, so it is important I do, maybe thats not right, 

I saw some sheep playing football against a team of goats, and one went past 3 defenders, and scored, and they said, wow, he is the greatest of all time, the GOAT, 

So Billy Conolly used to joke he thought Scottish football team Partick Thistle were called Partick Thistle 0, well Racing 92 could be mistaken for their score, as it is a rich rugby team in the 2020s, 

So Einstein, great thinker, of course, good internationalist, but anyway, said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, well that means I have a different view of a definition of insanity, I could make a joke about doing daft things, but I wont as I cant think of any. 

 

See below, for my joke emblem for this page. I mean it was established 17:03 on June 10th 2020. It is a joke to put 1703. I have put the time, not year as a joke. 

Logo joke.jpg
 
A rough depiction of Iron Age Maiden Castle Coffee Mug
A rough depiction of Iron Age Maiden Castle Coffee Mug
by cooldudeproducts